Hello Mamas!
If your house looks anything like mine does after the holidays, may the cleaning process be swift and may the mental meltdowns be kept to a minimum, holiday clutter too shall pass!
With most of the major holidays behind us we look forward to the New Year with hope. For some of us, we hope that this New Year will be kind to us just like the last. For others, we hope that the New Year will be better than the last.
For many of us with blossoming families our hope lies in the thought that our families will simply be well. Our children will grow and flourish and continue to bring a smile to our faces even amidst chaos. Our relationships with husbands and partners too will flourish in the light of love, providing a strong base of comfort for us to fall back on at the end of a long day.
Many of us will also put together some resolutions for the New Year, how can we better ourselves for our own self improvement, but also for the good of our families, our community, and the earth.
I can think back to many of my failed resolutions from years past: “I will never drink soda again”, “I will not indulge in late night snack food binges”, “I will exercise daily”, etc. Writing them out like this utterly makes me laugh out loud in spite of myself.
So this year I will take a new strategy to creating resolutions, instead of setting rigid goals for myself I will create “mind sets” which I would like to carry with me throughout the year. Mind sets such as “I will take the time to ensure healthy snack patterns for my family and I” and “From day to day I will practice gratitude for the many blessings in my life” and “I will work daily to show my loved one’s the best me I can be.”
Just like daily mantra’s these mind sets create a positive atmosphere where goals can be nurtured, as opposed to hard-fast resolutions which emphasize a negative behavior and generate an all or nothing tone of dissatisfaction.
Ultimately, ringing in the New Year is a time to let reflection reign supreme! By offering ourselves up to self reflection we allow ourselves the space we need to grow. The coming of a new year is the ideal time for this kind of reflection because it allows us to look forward with the hope that we have the self motivating power to make this year better than the last.
As mothers we sit in a unique position! We have the ability to mold and shape mind sets for our whole family. Isn’t it almost always true that a happy mom is a happy family! Going beyond self improvement we can work with our family to create goals and mind sets we would all like to work on in the New Year, providing our children with a valuable framework for their future!
Till Next Time, Happy New Year to you and yours! May your New Year be filled with light, love and the plentiful laughter of little ones!
Jasmine
Hello Mamas!
The season of our lives when our families are blossoming, is a precious time filled with abundant love, joy and satisfaction.
But inevitably, we will all experience pain and loss in our lives. This can be hard to deal with when it pierces the bubble of the happy family. Particularly, because we tend to be more emotionally vulnerable during these special years. I wanted to take a moment this week, and write about the magnificent healing energies of children.
There's something remarkable about how a small child can light up a room!
As parents, we share this experience in grocery stores, walking down the street, or standing in line at the bank--random strangers offering smiles and blessings towards our little ones!
I have had several opportunities to experience this on a grand scale, when taking my daughter to a nursing home to visit both of my grandmothers. As little Rita made her way through the homes, the whole atmosphere seemed to change. Tired faces were suddenly transformed into smiling joyful ones. Laughter and small talk would follow us.
It fascinated me and filled me with joy, to witness the happiness and hope which makes up the medicine of small children! Children seem to have an innate ability to diminish pain and grief. Perhaps, this is because they encourage us to be present in the moment, to be fully alive in the now!
Typically, our pain lies not in the present, but in the past (especially when we are speaking of emotional pain as opposed to the physical pain of an illness or injury). Therefore, by opening up the space for us to be present in the moment, children allow us to momentarily forget past hurts.
By creating a space where pain and loss are not the dominant emotions, children open up a space in us for love and joy to once again flow freely! There are so many benefits to spending time around small children. Undoubtedly, it is important for the balanced functioning of societies.
For in each stage of our lives children have something different to offer us. Whether it be showing older children how their story began and how much they have grown, teaching young adults and new parents responsibility and patience, or offering hope to the elderly. Children are healers!
Children’s miraculous healing powers stem from simple medicine.
Theirs is not the medicine of chemistry and pharmaceuticals, nor that of herbs and ancient meditation techniques. The medicine of children comes from within. Children offer us heart-centered healing energy. Next time you find yourself feeling down, or caught up in past emotional trauma, take a walk with your child. Hold their tiny hand and allow yourself to be healed.
Remember that as a parent of a small child you are blessed with their cosmic healing powers on a daily basis, and that many others can benefit from this as well! Embrace the random stranger who smiles and coos at your child. Take a moment to let your child interact with them.
Who knows the small miracle your child may have to offer!
Till Next Time, Be Well!
Jasmine
]]>Hello Mamas,
It’s the time of year where a mother’s schedule can become overloaded with shopping trips, entertaining guests and in-laws, and a hullabaloo of holiday plans. With little ones at your knees it can make never-ending to-do lists seem near impossible.
With this in mind I wanted to chat about a problem I myself have experienced and have watched other local moms struggle with as well.
“We have trouble with transitions!” A friend exclaimed with exasperation, as I listened to her dilemma involving her two year old daughter.
I needed no further explanation because months earlier I myself had used this same exact phrase to describe a problem I was encountering with my little daughter just before her 2nd birthday.
The “transitions” both my friend and I were referring to are those times each day when you are actively moving your child from one activity on to the next. This situation arises many times each day and includes but is not limited to, getting your child out of the house for school or a scheduled activity, leaving said schooling or scheduled activity, leaving the playground or library, even simply getting your child dressed properly to go outside and fetch the mail together.
Meltdowns, tantrums, and extreme fits sometimes resulting in a bawling child flopping around on the floor like a fish out of water! These are all common reactions from young children when a transition time is upon them.
I thought that Rita was being difficult when she simply started to cry upon the 5th time I told her it was time to leave the park. Then I realized from watching other local tots that this can become a serious issue causing lots of stress to the parent or caregiver involved in the altercation.
“Alright, my little sweet pie we will be leaving in 5 minutes!” In the beginning of our struggle with transitions I believed that if I vocalized to my daughter the simple fact of the matter, that we would be leaving in a said amount of time, that she would be emotionally prepared for departure when the time came.
Not so! In fact she starting replying “Two minutes” or “One more” her own preferred amount of time for departure. After 15 “two minutes” or 12 “one more’s” on the swing, I was truly ready to go, but my daughter seemed no more prepared to leave than if I had never mentioned leaving at all!
What is the problem? I am being reasonable and rational here! These were the thoughts that ran through my mind as I carried my discontented toddler off to the car yet again. After weeks of the same struggle I clearly realized there was a disconnect occurring between my daughter and I.
So I took some time to reflect and brainstorm on new strategies to solve our day to day dilemma. The quote of a wise individual comes to mind “There is no hurry bone in a young child’s body, you cannot rush a toddler.”
In fact, when you try to rush a toddler it always seems to backfire and you spend even more time and end up with a frustrated child more times than not! So, with this in mind I started scheduling in extra time for these transition periods in our day. I began to leave 15 minutes or so of extra “free” time before we were expected to be on to the next task or activity.
Presto, our struggle with transitions was reduced by about 90%! By allowing my daughter extra time to achieve the walk around the house to the car, or the exodus from the playground, I was enabling her to be herself! The happy toddler who stops and looks at everything along her path, often prompting adorable insights about the world around us! This made me a happy mom!
Perhaps, it is not truly our children who struggle with transitions! But, rather most of us live in a world with over booked daily schedules and routines, busy routines which do not sit well with the mentality of a toddler.It’s hard to say how toddlers perceive time, but I imagine that their perception of time is wholly different from that of adults.
I imagine their timeframe is similar to that of Mother Nature, our plant and animal friends. Daily routines are determined not by the clock but by the season, the sun and the moon, the weather from day to day, and an internal clock which lets us know when we are feeling hungry, tired, or in need of a change of pace.
Tis’ the season to slow down! Let us all take a lesson from the little ones in our lives. Let’s take the time to live more fully in our hearts and spend less time stressing over the tick tock of a clock.
Some of my favorite days are the ones where we make our own schedule, the days where you finally see the clock time and exclaim “Wow, I had no idea so much time had passed!” For these are the moments that we have stopped actively moving through time and space and simply started to be.
Till next time, Be Well, Escape the clock and take some space to simply be!
Jasmine
]]>Hello Mamas!
Wanted to wish each one of you a Happy Father's Day from my home to yours!
This is the time of year you will most likely find my family in one of two places: in the garden, or out by the grill. For me, nothing beats a long weekend morning filled with the work of tending to the garden, followed by a restful afternoon under a shady oak tree, then finally, finishing up the day grilling our dinner and dining outdoors! What a change of pace from a few months ago! Everyone in our home is happier and more content these days, especially Dad!
There is someone very special in my life who does not get enough credit in my weekly writings; he goes by the name of Papa Bear or Rita’s Daddy! This wonderful man is also my best companion and husband. Since we decided to have a child, our journey together has been full of pleasant surprises: how exciting and intoxicating it is to watch the man you love take on the role of father.
When I look at my daughter I often see her father staring back at me. She is such a wonderful combination of the two of us I have to laugh out loud in spite of myself;
because as she has taken on our more endearing attributes she too has inherited some of our character flaws, like her father’s quick tongue and my impatience!
I love that she is a Daddy’s girl, just like I was! So, this week we take time to honor our Papa Bear and the unique relationship he has with our daughter! To say that she is the ‘apple of his eye’ would be an understatement; she has become the sun, the center of which our little universe revolves. Our little sun keeps on shining brightly, the world keeps on turning and all is well…
Some say that Father’s Day Weekend is the kick off to the summer, whichever way you choose to celebrate the summertime holidays take a moment to feel gratitude for the unique happiness that small children bring to a family and envelop yourself in the loving arms of your child!
Sunshine, edibles ripening in the garden, the cool shade of an old tree, the chilling indulgence of any icy beverage and a tiny little hand to hold in yours! What more could a mama ask for? In my case, not much except a loving partner and caring father to share it all with! As we enter the season of abundance, you can see happiness begin to burst from around you, our hearts have been warmed by sunshine and it is time to soak it all in!
Till Next Time, Be Well! Cheers, Go hug all the Papa Bears in your life!
Jasmine
Hello Mamas!
"Little Peter Cottontail hoppin’ down the bunny trail… "
I will never forget Rita’s first spring and her amazing ability to spot bunny rabbits on our walks from as early as 6 months old, my newborn nature observer! She was exactly what I needed, a constant companion for all my nature observations and wildlife viewing expeditions!
It wasn’t until her second year that we shared with her the story of the Easter Bunny…
Holidays with little ones are always fun, filled with that unique magic that only small children can bring along! Easter, in particular, is a holiday which lends itself to many toddler friendly activities, such as the ever popular art of dying eggs and then hiding these eggs for a special hunt.
Last year was Rita’s first egg hunt!
She was 1 ½ and totally into the egg hunt groove! How surprised we were at her observation and treasure hunting skills. How proud the smile on her little round face when she located a new psychedelic colored egg bearing the name of one of her family members. As she placed each new find into her basket, Mama beamed with pride too.
Make the circle be unbroken.
As we share traditions with our children, that our parents shared with us, we complete the circle! We pass on traditions that are not written down in any book, but rather passed on through ritual and oral folklore.
We share our family’s version of the Easter Bunny; silly little beliefs that have been whispered to young children for generations. These Easter legends causing them to giggle with delight at the promise of an eager Easter bunny who will deliver egg hunts and yummy treats!
I believe that my culture (predominantly western) has seriously over commercialized, commoditized, and sensationalized ancient holidays and traditions!
Now that I am a parent, and the bearer of traditions, I strive to create customs for my little family which emphasize what I believe to be the “true spirit” of holiday celebrations.
I want our holidays to highlight our core family values including togetherness, the small blessings each day brings, gratitude for our blessings, interconnectedness, and ultimately, heart-centered love. Instead of reciting the traditional holiday prayers my family taught me we create our own versions of prayer which emphasize our own personal values.
A new definition of tradition
Is this not the very heart of evolving traditions, each small family molding it to work for them and their place in this world? As we celebrate the holidays of Spring, may we carry with us a sense of self in our family traditions. Let us pass on to our little ones the memories and rituals of our childhood which cultivated the people we have become today!
For all of the little first time egg hunters out there, Happy Hunting!
Jasmine
]]>Hello Mamas!
I just can’t wait for the turn of seasons, I long for the type of days where I can just send little Rita out the door barefoot in a sundress! As the snow continues to melt and songbirds welcome the return of spring with a song, I am reminded that good things truly do come to those who wait.
Signs of spring begin to surround us, buds breathe new life into the trees, Mother Maple begins her first flows of sugary goodness, all the while the Earth slowly moves those of us in the northern hemisphere closer to the sun. As northerners we are rewarded for our patience with spring, glorious spring!
But, alas it is still a long way to barefoot days, as spring rains make rain boots an absolute necessity for little explorers! The transition of late winter into spring is a time of hope. We have passed through the long cold winter and we are comforted by the knowledge that warmer more simple days are soon on their way. Days where runny noses and colds are few, while outside play dates and barbeques are plenty!
Tiny fingers and toes touch new spring grass for the first time! I will always carry with me happy memories of my daughter’s first spring, how exciting it was for this touch oriented little being to experience the wonders of nature first hand.
Imagine the transition from a winter world filled with carpets, cabinets and electric heating followed by spring filled with fresh grass, cold stones, wet mud and emerging crocus flowers! There must be a burst of neurological activity as babies are able to explore the outside world for the first time.
Spring is the mother of the seasons; she gives birth to summer which nourishes life through fall and winter! I find that the energies of spring strongly align themselves with the energies of mothering.
So many of our mammalian relatives give birth in the spring, while simultaneously our plant allies blossom and fruit throughout the season, it is no wonder that my mothering instincts so too seem to flourish and blossom.
Spring serves as a reminder to rejoice in the magnificence life has to offer. When I witness the explosion of life that spring embodies I am reminded how sacred the beginnings of life truly are. It is no wonder that most ancient fertility festivals take place in spring!
As I look at my daughter, I am humbled. The miracle of life resides in her and it is through her that I have been reborn! Through the journey of motherhood I have become a first hand participant in the miracle of life, the never ending spiral. As woman, as mother, I am sister to the spring, bearer of life, ever connected to all things.
As I feel spring move through me I am reassured that I am one with the world, standing just where I am supposed to be. With two feet on the ground I embrace the path that motherhood has taken me on; spring reminds me to let loose, be free and enjoy the ride!
Till Next Time, Sing a Song of Spring!
Be Well,
Jasmine
]]>Variations include:
Ending breastfeeding is full of emotions for you and your baby.
It can be hard to be OK with all of your own feelings around weaning, let alone articulate and share them with random strangers and rude relatives.
Weaning might be forced at a few weeks or months due to lack of support, misinformation or medical cause. It might be an independent one year old too busy with his big brother to nurse. It may happen after 5 or more years of mutually satisfying breastfeeding.
Even in relationships where baby-led weaning is desired, you will swing between overwhelming love and feeling trapped. Closeness and connection can quickly turn claustrophobic with 24/7 soothing and feeding. You can dislike your larger, leaking breasts, and breastfeeding related problems like plugged ducts and mastitis, even as you love your baby's robust health, milk drunk naps, loving looks and snuggles.
The obvious neediness of a normal baby doesn't look like normal in our culture.
We pride ourself on bootstrapping independence. Many nursing mamas feel, and are told that they are somehow "causing" this innate neediness, because their baby insists on connection and reconnection with their mama. While there are many variables in personalities, babies who are breastfed longer tend to develop greater confidence, security and independence in the preschool years and later.
"How long are you going to breastfeed?"
Moms find many ways to answer, and their overwhelming reaction is this:
"It is an intimate question; one that shouldn't be asked!"
Rude people are everywhere and the best defense is a good offense. It can be helpful to practice a few responses. Write down ones that pop up after the offender has left. You may find a few responses here that resonate with you. Practice saying them and you will gracefully handle this question every time it pops up!
People are curious about breastfeeding.
If this might be the case, try a straightforward answer, grounded in life as you know it. You might say:
"When he's ready."
"Whenever my baby decides she's done."
"When we are both ready."
"Whenever it feels like it's time. I'll follow my baby's lead. No specific age in mind."
"Whenever my baby wants to."
"When my daughter decides to, or I stop producing... whichever comes first."
"I was surprised we got to 1 year...now she's 3 so I gave up guessing. One less thing for me to worry about as far as her being a picky eater."
"When my baby is done or when she becomes too old for me to be comfortable with continuing."
"When it isn't working for us anymore. He's 3.5 years and we're still going strong... Very, very strong."
"My first was 4 when he stopped. my second just turned 3 and the baby is 9 months, so I have years left."
"My son just turned 1 and I am so done. I am slowly in the process of weaning."
"I'm hoping to make it at least a year. Anything after that will be a pleasant bonus. We'll wean whenever we're both ready after that.
Being evasive is a time honored way of subtly letting rude people know that their question is not welcome!
"Some day."
"Eventually."
"In about fifteen minutes."
"After we switch sides."
Be prepared for what happened when other mamas were evasive:
"I told someone 'When he's ready' this weekend. She went all bug-eyed and said, "WHAT IF THAT'S NOT TILL HE'S FIVE?" My response was a shrug."
"When he doesn't want to anymore. I love the look on everyone's face when I say that.
Future milestones like college, is often mentioned to politely deflect the question.
"Maybe the day I drop her off at college."
"I just say college and change the subject, because it's no one's business."
"It's hard to side-lie in a dorm bed, so then!"
"Of course if he decides to stay local as opposed to going away, say SUNY New Paltz, well, obviously we'll have reassess weaning.
'I'm sure he'll quit by middle school..."
If they don't take a mild hint? Bring out the big guns!
"When are you going to stop minding my business?"
"When you pry this baby from my cold dead hands!!!!
"Never! She's gunna breastfeed til I die."
Finally, there's nothing like confidence and personal experience to educate another:
"I would like to be completely weaned before she turns 2. I went to 18 months with my first."
"I've breastfed two kids to their second birthdays and they self-weaned. I plan on letting my baby do the same and hopefully she'll go longer than her older sisters! When my baby is done, that's when I'll stop breastfeeding."
"I remember holding my 3 year old child, who wasn't breastfed, and thinking I wouldn't be comfortable breastfeeding a child this old. Of course, it may be different with my second, because I have a breastfeeding relationship with her already....we shall see."
"I say one, but I love it so much, I don't know. I'll let her decide. I never realized what a bond it is. I love it. My hubby knows how much it means to me too, so he is good with it. We were at my mom's yesterday and I was feeding the baby on the couch. He pulled down my shirt. He was being funny! He said "I don't care if your boob is out, but cover the belly." Ha! I never thought I would hear that one."
"We are at 7 months. I would personally like to stop at 1 year, but she seems to be on her own schedule, as usual, so whatever her majesty wants, I guess her majesty gets!"
"There are days when I'm over it- when she still nurses like a newborn. She's 19 mos, but for the most part I'm so glad we're still at it!! Especially when she goes through eating strikes or when she's sick...I'll let her decide when to wean."
"I used to tell people that my minimum goal was the guideline set by World Health Organization and talk about the importance of that. If pushed, I'd tell them that my goal is baby-led weaning."
"In the end, none of my four were entirely baby-led weaned and I would have liked things to go differently. My first was 4 years 9 months and cut off cold turkey in desperation when baby-led weaning, tapering feeds slowly and discussions didn't work. It was a HUGE mistake. It affected our relationship for years. I nudged my second, third and fourth along a little faster than they were ready for, but I was never going to cut my kids off cold turkey again. The second and third were 5 years when they weaned. The last one weaned a bit before her 3rd birthday because I ran out of milk, dry nursing was very uncomfortable and she wasn't especially upset."
"When my pediatrician and I agree that the baby is no longer breastfeeding. (this puzzles them) I often had a diaper bag full of articles and research that I would offer to family members who had something to say about it. I told my MIL that when she graduated from medical school and completed her residency in Pediatrics, I would be happy to discuss the care and feeding of my child with her, but until she is a doctor I will not discuss these issues with her at all. That shut her up."
"I went to 2 1/2 last time. Not really thinking I want to do that again. We'll see how it goes."
"When baby feels like it. My first weaned around 16 months but I hope my second makes it to 2 years."
Whenever you and your baby decide to wean, whether breastfeeding is measured in days, weeks or years, know that it is a highly personal decision that is rarely based in hard facts. It's often unpredictable and complicated. When you are finished, you will have appreciation for nursing and for yourself, and probably some regrets and 20-20 hindsight. But, you will never forget how breastfeeding and weaning made you feel.
My thanks to the mamas of Café Mama's Breastfeeding Café for their wise comments and quotes.
If you are needing information about weaning your breastfed baby or child, please call/text Donna Bruschi at 845-750-4402 or read more here.
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Do you ever wonder how children’s perceptions of breastfeeding evolve as they get older?
I do! I am interested in how children’s perceptions change specifically in the period surrounding their wean time, as well as the next couple of years after weaning. It seems obvious to me that a child’s relationship to breastfeeding evolves from the time they are a newborn until the time they wean.
What happens then?
Breastfeeding which was always a personal experience for the child becomes something of a spectator sport, something which they no longer participate in, yet they still see other children doing. Recently, my 2 ½ year old daughter and I were at the library socializing with other children her age. A nursing toddler, a little girl, Rita’s size, caught her eye. She hurried over and asked “Are you nursing?” The mother replied “Yes.” politely, while the nursing toddler continued breastfeeding.
Then Rita asked, “How come you're nursing? You're not a tiny baby!”
I started to cringe, wondering where this conversation would lead. The mother smiled but paused for a moment and responded “Because she still likes to.” (A great answer in my book!) Rita seemed content with it too and an awkward 'extended breastfeeding' explanation crisis was averted.
What strikes me as comical about this situation and others similar to it is that Rita breastfed long beyond being a “tiny baby”. In fact when she weaned, she was quite the big girl, weighing in at over 30 lbs and past 2 years old! Yet, for some reason, at this point Rita only associates nursing with tiny babies.
Perhaps, I am the culprit to Rita’s association of breastfeeding with tiny babies.
After Rita weaned, she would try to breastfeed from time to time. I would respond to her nursing attempts by saying, “What are you doing trying to nurse? You're not a tiny baby anymore, you finished up all mama’s milk.” At this, she would laugh and forget about her request.
Did I oversimplify the breastfeeding relationship to my daughter throughout the weaning process?
Granted she is only two, so many of our explanations to her are simple. But, after our interaction at the library, I felt like I may have fallen short. My daughter and I breastfed for an extended time, yet she didn’t understand our relationship when she saw another toddler-mother pair modeling it!
I think I need to educate her on the evolving role that breastfeeding can play in a child’s life and emphasizing that it is unique to each child.
Growing up I was not exposed to breastfeeding.
I have one memory from my youth of breastfeeding! It was Christmas and the whole family was together. I drifted from the group and wandered into the seemingly empty living room, there was my Aunt Nancy with my newborn cousin, silently nursing. I felt like I had interrupted and didn’t belong, I snuck out just as quietly as I had entered.
That’s it, my only memory of breastfeeding comes from my Aunt isolating herself from the rest of my family to go nurse.
I will never forget the first time I saw a group of mothers breastfeeding together.
At that point, I was a breastfeeding mom myself, and it blew my mind! It was as if it kindled an ancient memory in me, as if, deep down my cells, I remembered a time when women gathered and tended their children together.
I don’t want my daughter to grow up with the minimal exposure to breastfeeding that I had. I want her to understand it as a natural part of our lives, something that does not need to be secretive or concealed.
I want her to know how it filled me with pride to breastfeed her!
It fills me with joy to think about her experiencing this same relationship someday! As she grows and her memories of being at the breast grow foggier, I will continue educating her about the normalcy of breastfeeding (at any size or age).
I’m not trying to turn my two year old into a lactivist by any means; it is simply my hope that as she gets older, she remains comfortable with the breastfeeding relationship when she observes it! As with most situations in life, a bit of compassion and understanding go along way!
]]>Little Rita Cassidy profoundly exclaimed this to me after I explained to her how our cat cleans himself by licking. This line of thinking was very amusing to me. In her world there exists a someday in which she will be a cat!
]]>Hello Mamas!
In previous writing I have spoken about the unadulterated innocence of small children and how truly inspiring it can be. Young children live in a world where the realm of possibilities is infinite; the world truly is their oyster!
Recently, I have found myself completely enamored with my 2 ½ year old daughter’s perspective! Her imagination has grown in leaps and bounds over the last six months and it never ceases to amaze me.
“Someday when I’m a kitty I will do that too!”
Little Rita Cassidy profoundly exclaimed this to me after I explained to her how our cat cleans himself by licking. This line of thinking was very amusing to me. In her world there exists a someday in which she will be a cat!
We often hear phrases like “Kids say the darndest things”, (in fact there was a whole TV series with this title in the 90’s!) But, it seems these are mostly laughed off without any further thought into what this can tell us about child psychology. I am by no means an expert in child psychology; nevertheless the minds of small children fascinate me.
I cannot help but think that these imaginative statements are more than just children being silly. They represent the mind set that small children carry; a world without borders, improbability, and universal laws such as gravity, chemistry and physics!
Imagine a world in which no real rules apply, (except of course to be nice to thy neighbor and such) this is the world typically left to authors of fiction and artists. When we allow ourselves to partake in this world and go on a journey of imagination with our children, we are able to break our old rusty cage of possibility and become unencumbered by risks and odds.
Instead, we begin to live in a world of chance, a world in which the universe is always on our side just waiting to help our dreams take flight! Even if we only allow our imaginations to run free a couple times each month while we indulge our children there is an exhilaration and simple joy that can be found while letting go of traditional states of being and the laws of the universe.
This may be the spark which gets that fire burning in us again to follow a dream or path we have been putting off with skepticism, inspiring in us a child-like eagerness to achieve that which may seem impossible!
I have always felt strongly that children have just as much to teach us as we do them. Perhaps, some of the greatest lessons they have to teach us involve forgetting the notions that have begun to weigh us down as adults. From our children we can learn to break down borders; to see the forest for far more than just the trees!
For a moment imagine a world where global peace is possible, where parents can let their children run and play freely without fear of exposure to harsh chemicals and environmental contaminants, a world where woman help woman and men are not defined by traditional roles of manhood.
This world is achievable, a place most of us would be happy for our children to live out their days in. Let us work together to make today’s dreams tomorrow’s realities; our children can show us the perfect place to begin our journey, at heart’s center where nothing is impossible!
“Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you, unfold your own myth”
- Rumi, A poet, theologian & mystic
Till next time, Be well and Dream on!
Jasmine
]]>Season’s Greetings Mamas!
The holidays are upon us, and since I am feeling in the spirit, I wanted to share a little story about last year’s family Christmas!
"Christmas in red and green, Christmas in black and blue!"
Last year on Christmas Eve, as my husband and I were scurrying around the house finishing up gifts, recipes and packing an away bag for our daughter to bring to our annual family Christmas Eve party, the commotion was suddenly halted by a sharp cry coming from our bedroom.
At this point Rita, a very able-bodied walker, whom I had watched just moments ago wander through the doorway into our room, now stumbled back out, crying and holding her hand to her eye.
My heart sunk!
As we rushed to her side to uncover the source of her cries, we realized that she had a small gash just millimeters from her left eye which was bleeding.
We counted our blessings!
Had this injury occured just slighlty to the right, some serious damage to her beautiful little eye could have resulted. As we calmed her down and wiped the wound clean, normalcy began to return to our little Christmas world.
Geez! We just very narrowly missed a trip to the ER on Christmas Eve!
Not seeing the accident take place, we could only assume she had hit her head on a corner of one of the dressers in our bedroom. (Once Rita learned to talk, much to our amusement, she would tell us that her kitty brother committed the act, although it looked like no cat scratch we had ever seen before!)
By the time we arrived at my mother’s house for the party, the gash was surrounded by full on black and blue, yet Rita had no residual side effects and the rest of the night went off without a hitch! However, a small scars remains and the the event is still etched into my memory.
In honor of our little Christmas accident I wanted to take a moment to point out some of the dangers the holiday season can pose to our beloved little ones.
--To begin, any time that adults are busy with festivities, children are less supervised and therefore there is an increased potential for accidents to happen, so be vigilant! It seems obvious but can easily be overlooked in the holiday hullabaloo.
It often helps to assign one adult or an older responsible child the task of supervising the smaller children while distracting holiday preparations are taking place.
-- "Christmas lights, Crock Pots, and oh so many extension cords, fa la la la la la la la!" During the holidays many of our homes are filled with electrical cords that are not typically around during the rest of the year. Do your best to keep all extension cords out of reach of little ones.
-- Watch out for Christmas lights as well, they should be kept out of reach of small children because they often contain lead. Therefore, it is important for anyone handling Christmas lights to wash their hands thoroughly after working with them, better yet, throw on some gardening gloves while you complete the task!
-- Beware of small choking hazards! Many common gifts for older and younger children alike contain small parts in the packaging that pose a serious choking threat.
-- Holiday parties are often filled with delicious treats, such as small candies, nuts and dried fruits. Be sure that all such treats are kept well out of arms reach of small children. And remember that alcohol impairs not just driving, but parenting as well.
-- You may visit places that are not baby-proofed as well you may like. Open stairs, small objects, pets and other curiosities combined with inattention can lead to heartache, not just for the small child, but for the un-thinking adult who forgot how much they valued Gramma's Hummel figurine.
From my family to yours, Happy Holidays! May you have a safe and stress-free holiday season, filled with the warm love that only family can provide!
Jasmine
]]>Starts 12:00 am on Friday 11/25/22.
Ends 11:59 pm on Monday 11/28/22.
Many small businesses (like New Baby New Paltz) now have ecommerce catalogs and ship anywhere in the USA.
1. Opt Outside with your kids for fresh air, dirt, plants, trees, water, rocks and vistas during daylight hours.
2. Shop from home when it's dark, (which is most of the day.)
3. Shop small businesses as much as possible.
4. Choose businesses in your community, so the benefits echo out into your schools, churches, sports and scouts. Local small business supports programs that benefit you and the babies and children you love.
5. Choose sustainable products made of paper, rubber, cotton, bamboo, wool and wood, over plastics and polyesters. Plastics are forever and are now present everywhere, even in unborn babies. Let's work on stabilizing and cleaning this plastic mess, so our children have a healthier world.
Shop one of our local manufacturers: baby deedee, 20% OFF cozy and well thought out sleepwear. No coupon code needed.
bumGenius Elemental Joy $5 each no coupon needed
GroVia: 20% off - Coupon Code: GROVIABF20
All Nursing Bras and Tanks: Buy 2 get 1 FREE - Coupon Code: BLACKFRIDAYBLACKBRA
]]>All your life you have drawn on your heart's deep knowing. Sometimes you get what you wanted and feel pleased. Sometimes you get what you thought you wanted, but it isn't quite as you expected. And sometimes you don't get what your heart is set on and you are deeply disappointed.
Your heart never gives up sending you messages.
"Do this. Try this. Try it another way." In many ways, our intuition guides us through our life. Even if you don't believe in intuition, you definitely believe in imagination. And these are the same, except for the spelling.
But living means trying to avoid the tender places where your heart has been broken.
Life can be so painful. There is physical pain from illness, as in the throbbing of a headache or toothache. You've lived through the wracking body pain of a fever; The queasy persistence of nausea and throwing up; The breathless pressure of pneumonia, asthma and bronchitis;. Each time you are ill, you swear that you will sleep more, eat better, exercise more and see your doctor and dentist regularly.
There is emotional pain from our relationships.
People say unkind things, often unintentionally, yet words still sting. You can still vividly remember one or two embarrassing interactions from childhood. You may have been hit or slapped. You may treat your body poorly by drinking or drugging., overeating, over-exercising, and working too hard -- beating yourself up each time you mess up. Even though each time, you tell yourself that next time you will do better.
Living is a seesaw of avoiding pain and trying again.
We hold our body in tension in an effort to protect our wounds, even though we know that this is counter-productive. When we break a bone, there is a time of immobility that allows everything to glue back together. We need this time of immobility with our heart, as well.
But in time, our body must return to its full range of motion. We must massage, stretch and strengthen in order to support our healing and reclaim full functioning. We will bring a new awareness of our fragility into our living and we also bring awareness of our strength and resilience to come back from injury.
Therapy helps our heart to be more resilient and feel less broken.
Our deepest wounds come from our parents.
Parents really do want the best for us, but they are hampered by their humanity. Some start by aborting a pregnancy because they feel it's not the right time or they don't have the capacity to bring a child into this world. Some mothers will carry to term and release their baby for adoption.
I've never even met my mother, but I carry her burden: "Why did she give me away?"
Your parents may have been great parents, but even great parents will misunderstand you, causing you pain in some way. It is impossible to have a relationship where you understand another person so completely that hurt feelings never happen. The best you can hope for is awareness and apology and reconnection after the hurt. But more likely, we carry some hurts into our parenting.
You should understand that being a perfect parent is impossible, but many of us try to do this very thing.
If you are thinking about creating a baby. Or your partner is thinking about creating a baby and you aren't on board yet. Or, you have been unsuccessfully trying to have a baby, there is one more thing you should think about.
Resonance.
Do you resonate with having a baby or are you still tuned into the adult-only channel?
Having a baby means crossing a point of no return and your heart may be fearful.
You may have been taught (at an impressionable age) that getting pregnant would be the worst thing you could do. And at fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen, it is not a bad thing to inhibit your drive to have sex. But when you still feel that inhibition at 30, it gets in the way of creating a baby.
You may delay pregnancy in reaction to your experience as a child.
There are plenty of parents who are not mature enough to be parents. If you were neglected because your parents were still growing up, you are right to feel cautious jumping right in. It's definitely less stressful having a baby if your career is established and you are enjoying a stable relationship, married or not.
You may not even be able to put your finger on why you hesitate.
You may be in the midst of exploring and enhancing your fertility. Each month you make love on your best days, but in the back of your mind, you are becoming more and more fearful, that something is wrong. You are soul searching and making bargains with the universe.
"Please God, please let me get pregnant. I promise I will..."
And one day the two stripes on the test appear and you are pregnant.
Your ship has set sail into the uncharted territories of your heart's wishes.
At this point you must let go and trust your heart and your gut. Each baby is a human being with their own desires and life to live. You can read all there is to read about babies, but your baby has their own book. If you try to live another's life, you will feel frustrated and unhappy. Your baby will never measure up. It's important to remember that your baby has their own life story.
You are writing the book of your baby right there in your belly.
I invite you to start a conversation with your baby from the first moment you understand that you are pregnant. Babies are conscious beings trying to make their feelings and needs known. If you are listening and aware, you can have a deep and fruitful relationship with your baby. It will still be frustrating but I think you will feel satisfied that you did your very best to give them what they needed.
And you can write that book for real. Now is a good time to keep a journal.
Drawing, writing, and sculpting all make your imagination and intuition visible. Telling your story helps you to understand it. Write your child's story, even if you never read it again. Expressing what is inside you, keeps the energy flowing and allows you to make sense of all the emotions and changes that you are feeling.
You are growing bigger and growing up.
You are leaving childish ways behind and integrating them into daily life at the same time. You will give up all you hold dear. You will be more loving and more compassionate. You will have more fun and laugh harder at silly things. You will feel your heart expand with love and then break a million times over again.
And your guide will be right in your arms, inviting you to do all this.
]]>You know, the point where you can't take it any more and lash out at your baby or child. And then, feel terrible because, your child is only a child, doing childish things, and doesn't deserve to be the object of your anger.
]]>You know, the point where you can't take it any more and lash out at your baby or child. And then, feel terrible because, your child is only a child, doing childish things, and doesn't deserve to be the object of your anger.
There are unlimited opportunities to lose your cool.
Babies and children need a lot of attention. They require regular feeding, clean clothes, a roof over their head and medical attention on a regular basis. As a parent, you are the one who does all this for them.
And to make things worse, kids need so much interaction.
They will also demand it from you. Even if it's negative attention, your kids will dig into the tenderest places under your skin just to get your undivided attention. Even though you know this is why it is happening, you often cannot stop yourself. You find yourself snapping back. Or yelling. Or screaming at your child. And you see yourself doing it and you feel simultaneously ashamed and powerful.
That anger is a sign that something needs to shift.
It is not because anger is bad. Anger is just a sign that you are scared, hungry, tired or overwhelmed. It's how you use it. Anger is powerful and effective when used to set limits and boundaries. It's best when used in a clear and kind way.
When you lose it, though, you have to be the one who stops it.
You have to recognize the signs that you are getting overwhelmed and nearing the end of your patience. It's time to take a time-out, call for backup and calm yourself before you say or do something hurtful.
Nobody has the power to make you behave badly.
Its a choice you make. It's a habit often learned from your parents--a default setting when you are overwhelmed and need a break.
What causes overwhelm, and more importantly, how can we reduce or minimize it?
Four biggest contributors of overwhelm are in the acronym, H.E.L.P. Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
Hunger. It may seem impossible to believe that in a world where you are making food for your little ones a bajillion times a day, that you could be hungry. Yet, here you are nibbling on their leftover sandwiches.
Anger is easier to understand because babies and children are needy, not very articulate and meltdown in hysterics when you don't understand them. This triggers many people's anger. You may want to explode, but rage worsens every situation. It hurts other people's feelings and makes babies and children feel scared and hurt. Many of us were raised in families where anger was used to control others. It creates families where people are walking on eggshells to avoid another blast.
Loneliness. Who has never felt lonely in their life? Whether you are going hours or days without being able to share your feelings or talk to another adult, you can go a little lulu. Most moms feel overwhelmed when they have to listen, entertain babies and children and problem solve at the child's level without any adult interaction. We all need camaraderie in the trenches of motherhood.
Tired is the baseline of parenting. Even if your baby or child is a wonderful sleeper, they get sick and they have nightmares. Other nights, you can't sleep, you worry and so on. Even when you do sleep enough, you can feel drained from endless laundry, endless crying and whining and repetitive rounds of "Why?" and "Mom-mom-mom!"
So, sometimes...you can't take it anymore.
You have stretched yourself a little thin and something in you snaps! You find yourself yelling the same dumb things your mother said to you.
And, you feel ashamed. And, you don't know what to do about it or how to stop yelling at your poor child. As much as you thought they deserved it in the moment, you can remember what it was like be yelled at and feel guilty because you want better for your child.
The solution to overwhelm.
Many time when overwhelm happens, there is a time crunch involved. If we remove the deadline, the overwhelm evaporates. In the heat of the moment, ask yourself, "What happens if there's no deadline? What if we take more time to do this? What if we stop and try again another time?"
If that's not possible, close your eyes, breathe deeply, count to 10. Remember you as a child and rephrase what you were about to say. You have time. Getting angry wastes more time than we realize.
Anger is a force for cleansing and creating powerful change.
It is also a hurtful, damaging force when used incorrectly. Overcoming unhealthy anger habits requires new skills that you can learn through being mindful, in therapy and in anger management classes. Anger management classes are offered for free through places like your county health department. They aren't just for people with anger problems, they are for anyone wanting to live a more positive, fulfilling life through a positive use of anger.
My love to you and your family....
Donna
]]>Hello Mamas!
Lately, I have been thinking about maternal archetypes.
Archetypes are collective and are influenced by social groups and culture as much as by individual experience.
Most of us, if asked to describe “a mother figure,” have a set group of characteristics that define the role of mother. This is the "maternal archetype." From home to home and culture to culture, this archetype will vary, but there are many universal commonalities. We can rattle off a few traits that describe most mothers: caring, nurturing, loving, etc.
Many of these archetypes have remained remarkably unchanged throughout our history.
In ancient Mayan culture existed a belief called “La Ultima Madre.”
During pregnancy, Mayan woman were told of two types of mother, “Rainbow Mother” and “Nurturing Mother”. Rainbow Mother does not nurture her children, but rather inspires them through the energies of art and dance. Nurturing Mother, on the other hand, raises her children and nourishes them by growing corn.
While browsing a book of quotes about motherhood I came across a quote by Lynn Andrews, an author and shaman, which really caught my attention. Andrews has taken the ancient Mayan belief and made it relevant to the present day mother.
She describes two maternal archetypes that most women fall into; Earth Mothers and Creative Rainbow Mothers.
Earth Mothers nurture their children through feeding them and providing for their basic needs. Earth mothers thrive on their responsibilities as a mother. Meeting the needs of her children brings fulfillment to the mother as a person. This is the more iconic role of mother in our society.
Creative Rainbow Mothers, on the other hand, inspire their children without necessarily having meals on the table on time. These mothers nourish their children by inspiring them. Often the lives of the children are structured around the mother’s need to keep her creative energies flowing. For many Rainbow Mothers, having a creative outlet is necessary to their general well-being, and allows for them to be the best mother possible.
What comes to mind when you think about maternal archetypes and the “role” of a mother?
Do you fit into one of these archetypes?
To some aspects of your personality fit more easily into the box you define as motherhood? I think many of us probably fall somewhere in the middle, carrying with us elements of both rainbow mother and earth mother.
Over the last two years of raising Rita, my personal struggle has been to find the right balance between my nurturing and creative sides.
Perhaps it is when we nurture our rainbow mother, that our inner earth mother is able to shine.
Until next time, be well!
Jasmine
]]>]]>
by Jasmine Wood
Originally published August 20, 2013
As I watch the leaves fall away from the trees I am reminded that seasons come and seasons go. As there are seasons of the year, there too are seasons of motherhood. Rita and I have recently been through a change of seasons.
At 25 months, our family weaned little Rita (Yes, dad played a big role too) from the breast. I knew it was our time, but yet as we moved closer to her last nursing sessions I felt uneasy. Reflecting on this, I feel it was fear of the unknown. As nursing was the one factor in our routines that had remained constant from birth to two years.
Having read about birth art I decided it might help my emotional journey forward to create some "wean art". The following poem I have shared is the culmination of our breastfeeding journey. Written minutes after Rita's last nursing session, while she slept peacefully beside me, the words poured out of me. I wanted to share this with our community of mothers, because it was empowering for me to reflect on the weaning process itself, but also because I thought it would resonate with some of you out there!
It seems to me there is much emphasis on beginning breastfeeding but not ending it. For me, I needed as much emotional cheerleading to end our special journey as I did in the first days of nursing. It is my hope you enjoy the read whether you are pregnant and preparing to breastfeed, just starting out, or like me have moved into a new season of mothering! Be well!
30th August 2013
An Ode to my Little Champion,
My breast buddy for two loving years.
From first latch minutes after birth,
To your last latches,
With tears in my eyes,
I soaked it all in.
How much my baby has grown.
Like a seedling who readily soaks up the sun,
You have hungrily taken in gulp by gulp,
Mama’s complete nourishment.
The milk which has allowed you to flourish & blossom,
Into the toddling, curly haired being you have become.
Mama will always remember our time as breast buds!
The way your body, like a puzzle, nestled perfectly into mine,
A true symbioses, even at 30lbs & counting.
The way your tiny ears left an indentation, a perfect ear print,
In my arm after long passes of time you sat nearly motionless, except for jaw.
The way your little head would slowly get sweaty against me,
& the uniquely pleasing smell of your sweet sweat.
The smell of my milk on your breath,
As you released from latch, lazily drifting off into dreamland.
The way your grabby little hands clenched & wandered my breasts
As you navigated your path to complete comfort.
The short grunts of contentment that you uttered,
As you moved from breast to bed
In the peaceful realm of sleep.
My darling, My baby, My friend, My teacher,
May the milk that provided your little body nourishment for your first two years
Provide your soul with a lifetimes worth of nourishment & contentness.
May the act of weaning,
Reinforce our bond, not reduce it.
May you always walk in the light of my love.
Twins always arrive early. Right?
That's An Old Wive's Tale.
I look at my striated belly with the doughy soft puckers that have never flattened back into that gentle swell that used to be my belly.
If my twins had been early, I would not have this. At 36 weeks, my belly was a gigantic, unblemished orb. I had 1 or 2 stripes at 37 weeks.
Ar 39 weeks, my midwife and I were laughing at the incredible, angry red vortex radiating from my bellybutton. The stripes were something out of a science fiction story. Like a chick pecking the egg from the inside, it looked like my stomach was getting ready to rip open.
]]>That's An Old Wive's Tale.
I look at my striated belly with the doughy soft puckers that have never flattened back into that gentle swell that used to be my belly.
If my twins had been early, I would not have this. At 36 weeks, my belly was a gigantic, unblemished orb. I had 1 or 2 stripes at 37 weeks.
Ar 39 weeks, my midwife and I were laughing at the incredible, angry red vortex radiating from my bellybutton. The stripes were something out of a science fiction story. Like a chick pecking the egg from the inside, it looked like my stomach was getting ready to rip open.
At 40 weeks, I wasn't laughing anymore.
Actually, I wasn't doing much of anything at all! Eating, cat-napping, going to the bathroom, and having sex and getting massaged, in a futile attempt to bring on labor.
For two weeks I tried every over-the-counter remedy and Old Wive's Tale I could find: Spicy Lamb, Evening Primrose Oil, Caulophylum, spicy food, massaging pressure points, squatting, visualization, Raspberry Leaf tinctures and teas. I read about castor oil and shuddered.
I was sure of my dates. My first baby had been born 11 days late and women seem to have "a style."
On the eve of the deadline, the last day my midwife was comfortable having the twins be born at home, I called a Resonance Repatterning Practitioner I worked with during my pregnancy who had helped me overcome my fears of being pregnant with twins; of being the mother of twins; of having a homebirth; and of having a vaginal birth after a c-section (VBAC).
She muscle-checked what I was resonating with. She said, "Hmm. Interesting!
"You and one of the twins resonates with the word 'Stop.'"
She muscle checked what I needed to do, had me do some breathing patterns, some eye movements, and checked the resonance again. The baby and I no longer resonated with "Stop." To be honest this time, I didn't feel much different, but I did feel relieved to have some kind of reason for the extended pregnancy.
The highest risk for twins is preterm labor.
I am not really sure why. For me, pregnancy with twins was scary and stressful, but I was healthy and eating well. Pregnancy was also enjoyable and exhilerating. And, PTSD from my first birth gave me an irrational fear of going to the hospital. I was not going there until I absolutely had to. Resonance Repatterning sessions had eased those fears, but I still had some other business to take care of.
I was fully supported medically at home. I was fully supported by my family. I could do everything needed to keep holding a pregnancy. 36 weeks came and went. 40 weeks came and went.
At 42 weeks, pregnancy has a different set of risks. These were ones I was well familiar with, from the first go around. Insufficient amniotic fluid, meconium, meconium aspiration, and cord wrap.
I had to face my fears of a vaginal birth.
I am tall and muscular. I have a frame that can carry a lot. Even so, I looked and felt hugely pregnant. With my first, I was sure I could birth vaginally, but placed in the pressure cooker of a busy hospital birthing suite, I felt self-conscious, unsupported, and scared.
I was in pain throughout my natural labor and my midwife was busy with appointments and other births. She wasn't with me. My dedicated labor nurse was bustling between laboring mothers. I was fortunate I had a room. I heard other mothers were laboring in triage, waiting for a room.
My attention naturally turned inward to my baby but was constantly being pulled out by the demands of a busy corporation asking for my insurance information, insisting I wear a fetal monitor, checking my baby, checking my dilation, and writing copious notes to cover their end in case of a lawsuit. All in the name of safety...and it made me anxious.
Long story short
I was put on a deadline to give birth. I didn't make it and the result was an unwanted and traumatic C-Section. It led to a deep postpartum depression that affected me, my husband and our baby. It also gave birth to fears of hospitals, doctors and giving birth.
Back to 42 weeks pregnant with twins, wanting a VBAC homebirth.
That morning, I made an appointment for acupuncture to stimulate labor. My midwife came to check on me and the babies.. The babies were head down, with strong heartbeats, and active. I felt rested, restless, huge, and ready to give birth.
15 minutes after she left, the first wave hit me. Then another, and another. Contractions came one on top of the other. My husband held me through them. After a number of them, we realized we should probably call the midwife.
Our midwife was pleasantly surprised!
She asked, "How far apart are the contractions?" and my husband replied, "I don't know, they've been coming so fast, I haven't had a chance to time them! How long will it take you to come back?"
She reassured us, "I'll come straight back and have my husband bring my kit as soon as he can." 40 minutes later, she was back. Her kit arrived shortly after.
The rest of the day is a blur of fragmented memories.
The pain was intense and I kept running from it. My midwife and my husband kept bringing me back into focus. By dinnertime, I was allowing the pushing contractions to do their work, and working with them.
One was born at 6:35, and the second slid out, en caul, at 7:05.
We did it! VBAC twins at home!
The two babies were beautiful--so plump and healthy. So awake! But, they looked very different in terms of gestation. The first was 7'10" -- plump, fresh and covered in vernix. The second was 6'0" -- smaller and leaner and had very little vernix. The second twin's skin was wrinkled and peeling.
It will always be a mystery which twin wanted things to 'Stop.'
Did the first want things to stop because they weren't ready? Did the second want things to stop because they were still so small?
The family tale is that the second twin kicked the first out because they wanted to stretch, and they were ready be born. After birth, the first cried inconsolably until the second came out. Maybe the first cried because they weren't ready to be born? Or maybe the first missed being nestled into the other, and thought they were now alone forever?
I don't know, but they are very close, still good friends and they still have that same dynamic of pushing and pulling each other.
I have never forgotten the way the repatterning worked. I learned the Resonance Repatterning system and use it regularly in my work with parents, and in my own life.
]]>Holidays can be a hard time for anyone, but 2020 may be the worst of all.
It's Thanksgiving Eve.
According to NYS Governor, Andrew Cuomo, in his November 23, 2020 press conference, the best way to show your extended family you love them, is to stay home. NYS has a mandated limit of 10 person get-togethers. We are supposed to eat outdoors, wear masks, and shorten the visits.
]]>Holidays can be a hard time for anyone, but 2020 may be the worst of all.
It's Thanksgiving Eve.
According to NYS Governor, Andrew Cuomo, in his November 23, 2020 press conference, the best way to show your extended family you love them, is to stay home. NYS has a mandated limit of 10 person get-togethers. We are supposed to eat outdoors, wear masks, and shorten the visits.
I get it. It's what we are doing at my house.
My sister was exposed to COVID-19 so she's in quarantine. My kids all have "front of the house" jobs, so they are showing their love from afar. It's me, Michael, my mom and brother - our Pod Family - We are serving 4 pies for 4 people, because it's comfort food, and comfort is important.
Cuomo stressed that infection rates are rising in NYS
In a normal year, it's fun to get caught up in a gifting, decorating, cooking, and planning frenzy. Plans for Black Friday and holiday gift shopping, baking cookies and caroling, and most importantly, getting together with friends and family for long parties, and short.
Each of these activities can spread the virus, and can exponentially increase the infection rate!
This year is requiring a whole re-imagining on how we do holidays.
1. Black Friday at New Baby New Paltz is just like the election! We have early shopping, shop-by-mail and socially distanced in-person shopping spread out from now through Cyber Monday Night.
(Unlike voting, you can shop more than once!)
Check out our new Gifts section.
Holidays remind us to reconnect with the important people in our lives.
Though, each holiday brings another opportunity to connect and most families make some attempt. Even though they may end in fights, most families keep trying. Most families set some rules on gift-giving, length of stays, and what you can talk about, and more importantly, what you can't.
But in the end when everyone is upset, especially you, you may wonder why your family falls so short of the Norman Rockwell American vision and why your child is lying on the floor kicking and screaming.
I am going to ask you to put your expectations on hold for a minute or two.
Most families are not like Norman Rockwell paintings. Martha Stewart has staff and Photoshop rules the day.
You are normal in all of it's humanity!
When things feel overwhelming, stop what you are doing and take a few moments. Pull your baby or child into your lap. Look into their eyes, smell the top of their head, Take a deep beath. Let it out. Smile at your child (even if it feels fake at first!).
Yesterday, our governor, Andrew Cuomo, interrupted our day to bring us more news about the state of the pandemic in New York State. You may be familiar with his press conferences. If you aren't you might look them up on YouTube
If you are unemployed or home taking care of kids, you might feel funny asking for gifts or money because you don't feel you can reciprocate. Or, you may resent that you are back at work, worried about COVID-19 and can't create a picture perfect holiday, because you are just too tired and who are you creating it for anyway? You may have family that is difficult to be around - critical, argumentative and judgmental - and it is amplified, because of the need for masks and social distancing.
And, you can't give them your love and attention if you are wallowing in overwhelm.
Instead of wondering why the people around you are the way they are, give them your love and attention with gifts of attention.
A phone call, a real letter with a picture of the baby, a shopping or lunch date, now, or in a few weeks, a visit, cooking a meal together, family game night, "a real date, in a real restaurant, with a real babysitter," or the classic three-in-one gift: a stay-at-home date for you and your partner with your kids sleeping at Grandma's...
Whatever... Get out your crayons or computer and start making gift certificates. And try not to make the gift certificates PERFECT!
It takes courage. You will probably feel all kinds of discomfort at first. Stay with it. It will get more comfortable, I promise.
Your mother-in-law may not "get it". You may still have to buy a flannel shirt for Uncle Joe because he's just too weird, and everyone else will say:
"This is the best gift I have ever received."
My Love to you and your family,
Donna
]]>What do Push-up Bras, Holiday Festivities, Exhaustion, Babysitters, and too many desserts all have in common? ...Mastitis!
This is our annual Holiday Mastitis Prevention post. As we continue into the holiday season, remember these breastfeeding basics:
]]>...Mastitis!
This is our annual Holiday Mastitis Prevention post.
As we continue into the holiday season, remember these breastfeeding basics:
1. Nurse Frequently. Your baby does a great job of keeping mastitis and plugged ducts away, if you make the time to empty your breast.
2. Check your bra. If there are red lines when you take it off, or after you fold down the cup to nurse, it is TOO tight, and can press milk ducts, blocking the flow of milk.
3. Eat real food. Sugar and other refined foods deplete your body of nutrients you need to stay healthy.
4. Think about limiting your festivities. I know EVERYONE is excited and wants to see THE BABY...but... if you are tired and rushing around "trying to do it all," you are more likely to develop a plugged duct or mastitis.
5. If you are on a regular cycle of alternating pumping and breastfeeding, continue. If you are pumping and saving for a special occasion, spread it out, so you don't have a sudden oversupply of milk followed by a complete engorgement at the event. Some moms pack a pump, hand pump or hand express at the event.
6. If you do feel a tender spot in your breast, cancel your actitivities and take your baby to bed for the day. Rest, nurse and sleep until it feels better.
I hope this helps! Call me if you have questions.
]]>My baby cried all the time, refusing to be held by anyone but me. I cried all the time. The pain of the surgery amplified by cracked, burning nipples and the agony of frustration, sadness and betrayal.
And then it got worse.
]]>
My baby cried all the time, refusing to be held by anyone but me. I cried all the time. The pain of the surgery amplified by cracked, burning nipples and the agony of frustration, sadness and betrayal.
And then it got worse.
Once the emergency of an unplanned C-Section, a dehydrated baby, and mastitis faded into the past, my husband went back to work, and my mom went home.
My baby and I were alone. Our day settled into a routine. Feed my baby, rock my baby, feed myself and try to get him to sleep. Showering was infrequent and unpredictable as to when it might occur. I looked out the kitchen window onto the summer lushness of an empty suburban neighborhood. The window frame rocking back and forth with my chair.
All the cars left in the morning and came home at night.
Occasionally, the two neighbor children would tire of TV and ride by on their bikes. UPS would leave a package at a house or a lawn company would return a neighbor's lawn to its trim green square. The roar of mowers and blowers brought life to an otherwise uninhabited landscape. The hot July breeze sent dribbles of sweat down my face and from under my breasts into the waistband of my shorts.
I rocked and rocked my baby.
If I stared at the oven, I would see see him in a roasting pan, roasted to a golden brown. I shuddered and pushed away the thought. I put him in the baby carrier and walked to the corner and back, through a hot, still, alien landscape.
"What is wrong with me?" I thought, tears rolling down my cheeks.
I started to avoid the kitchen, especially the big knife. I put it in the back of the drawer and stopped cutting things up.
"Do you have thoughts of hurting your baby?"my OB asked in a matter-of-fact way. I blanched; Paused; Shook my head.
"Liar." The voice in my head said scornfully.
I didn't know what might happen. Would she understand? What if she didn't? Would they take my baby away? It was not worth finding out...
"You still seem really angry about your birth. You should get some help." My doctor continued.
"Help? Where? What kind of help?"
I was clearly beyond help if I was having these kind of thoughts. What kind of mother thinks those things about her baby? I knew I would never hurt him, but I could never tell anyone what kept popping into my head.
So I went home, cried some more and kept crying.
My husband came home from work. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't tell him why I was crying. He looked scared. He started making phone calls. I refused to be separated from our baby so we didn't go to the Emergency Room.
I ended up in a checkup with an male Internist who gave me a full exam and ordered blood tests. The good news was, everything was OK. Physically, that is. He recommended a therapist.
As we left, I imagined my baby flying out of my arms and down the stairs.
We went to the recommended therapist. She was younger than us, kind and goal oriented. I didn't particularly like or dislike her, or find it effective, but it helped me feel like I was "Doing Something."
I hadn't slept more than 2 hour stretches in more than two months. I was so tired. I loved my son. I cried every day.
One day, I finally found comfort.
I was at a La Leche League meeting and I wasn't the only one whose baby cried all the time. Another woman's did too. I made friends with her. We talked about babies, breastfeeding, baby poop and not-taking-showers.
At the next meeting, I started telling people my birth story and it felt good. They all listened and comforted me. Some of them had had terrible births. Some hadn't, but they were all empathetic to the disappointment I was carrying in my heart.
It was such a simple thing, telling that story, but the difference it made in how I felt sticks with me today. Having friends with new babies gave me solace and our conversations about babies, poop, spit-up and sleep were unremarkable but they made me feel normal and that my new day-to-day life was normal.
This I feel, is what made the strange visions disappear.
]]>
And breastfed with her feet kicking a minister in the seat next to us, and pooped mid-air. To soothe my anxiety, I asked other moms for their best travel advice. Here are some of the useful tips I received.
]]>We’re about to embark on another adventure. Each time, I grow anxious wondering how she will do – Will she squirm and cry for the whole flight? Will she sleep at our new destination? Will she adjust to the time difference? And on and on.
Ember has squirmed and cried on our flights.
And breastfed with her feet kicking a minister in the seat next to us, and pooped mid-air, but we managed! Most of the time, it has been much easier than car travel, because she is in my lap nursing whenever she is hungry, and napping in my arms. Some of her best naps have been at a mile high!
Strangers rarely cast dirty glances our way.
Most of the time they give me sympathetic looks, or offer to carry my luggage, or hold Ember, or fondly reminisce about their own travels with their children. We’ve met some lovely people on our flights!
But still, despite my previous good experience, that little nagging voice says: this time Ember can walk and she has entered the tantrum phase!
I’m a little anxious again.
To help soothe my anxiety I asked other moms for their best travel advice at a recent NBNP Mother’s Group. I wanted to share some of the useful tips I received:
Fingers crossed for this trip!
How does traveling with kids work for you? Any tricks? You can share at a NBNP Mother's Group.
]]>Whether you are actually doing it is another thing..."PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!"
]]>Whether you are actually doing it is another thing..."PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!" But, stashing these household essentials before baby arrives will make you feel like you’ve got your sh*t together even while you’re fumbling around with your newborn baby.
***BFF ALERT*** (If your BFF is a new mom, you can bring her these instead of ANOTHER newborn outfit.)
Take a tip from the seasoned mamas at Café Mama!
We've compiled this list of things they wish they had and things they are glad they had! Nothing makes you feel crappier with a newborn (pun intended) than discovering you’ve run out of wipes or toilet paper! And we've included a copy/paste list at the end.
Here’s the top ten things Café Mama mamas declared essential:
1. Freezer meals
Even if you don’t have a deep freeze, you can still prioritize and pack a lot of food away. Make double meals and freeze half. One mom did this and had over twenty meals stored away in a deep freezer before her baby arrived. Adding what friends and family brought, she didn’t have to cook for a month! PRO tip: Buy a pack of sharpie markers and a box of 60 or 100 multi-sized food containers. Label EVERYTHING.
If you aren’t into cooking (or don’t have time,) find a few favorite frozen meals from Sam’s Club or your favorite supermarket. Or ask for frozen dinners on your registry.
Another idea is setting up a Meal Train. Meal Train is a website where you can specify what you like to eat, and when you want it, and your family and friends can bring it.
2. Snacks
After giving birth, most moms say they are even hungrier than while pregnant! And you don’t have time to eat, either. Buy a variety of your favorite snack foods for second breakfasts and middle of the night snacks. And if you have older kids, get their favorites too.
Mamas listed sliced cheese, crackers, nut mix, dried fruit, granola, dried seaweed, tortilla chips, hummus, yogurt, protein, nut or granola bars, kefir, chocolate bars, smoothie mixes and some yummy drinks.
Recovering from birth and breastfeeding makes you thirsty and many mamas appreciated a treat like coconut water, Bolthouse drinks, chai, chocolate milk and kefir. (Skip the artificial colors though--it’s a myth that blue Gatorade makes more milk.) And picking up a case of water is recommended. (Yes, I know you have a very nice S'well. But, it doesn't fill itself.)
A nice bottle of wine or beer is a classy way to toast your significant other for a job well done! And yes, you can have a drink and still breastfeed!
3. Toilet paper and wipes
All those yummy snacks and drinks ^^^^ mean you need toilet paper. And guests like it too. Bring those big ol’ packs and a couple of rolls of paper towels right into the bathrooms where they are accessible.
(Note from Donna: As a Lactation Consultant, I go into people’s homes to help them with breastfeeding. Before I start, I always wash my hands carefully and then dry my hands on the damp and well-used hand towel hanging by the sink. IMHO...Paper towels in the bathroom are a thing everybody should have.
And tissues. You will be very emotional and crying. Buy an 8-pack of those little square tissue boxes, one for each room.
4. Soap, shampoo, conditioner and razors
The MOST depressing thing in the world is when you need a shower more than food or sleep, the baby obligingly falls asleep, and you hop into the shower only to find you don't have one of these things. And the Café Mama Mamas agree that after having a baby, most of the time you will not be thinking of shaving, but if you do, it will be possible.
5. Toothbrushes and toothpaste
Imagine feeling totally triumphant when you present your mother-in-law with a brand new toothbrush and her very own toothpaste, because she forgot hers!
"Yesssss! Organized New Mama for the win!"
6. Paper plates, cups, napkins, and foil pans
It’s not 'eco' but something’s got to give. It’s a short time in your life and unless you have a maid, nobody’s got time for dishes.
7. Dishwasher detergent and soap
At some point, the paper plates will run out, or you will feel guilty about the forests and landfills, or you will miss your favorite coffee cup and you will wash dishes again.
8. Garbage and kitchen trash bags and ziplock bags in snack, sandwich and gallon sizes
The amount of garbage a tiny baby generates is shocking. Between disposable diapers, gift wrapping and product packaging, you will have lots of trash. Ziplock bags have a multitude of uses like organizing your diaper bag, sorting small toys, packing snacks and storing breast pump parts in the fridge between pumping (so you only have to wash them once a day.)
9. Free & clear laundry detergent and stain remover
Especially if you have older children, you will be doing laundry day and night in the early weeks. Most first-time mamas launder with Dreft and most second-time mamas stocked up on their favorite “Free and Clear” detergent for the whole family.
10. Sibling Bling
They are excited about a baby! And after they understand the new rules, you may be hearing things like, "Mommy, I'm bored!" and "When is the baby going home?" Browse the dollar store for books and bling to entertain siblings. Pack up their "I'm-bored-with-this" toys for a well-deserved rest until after the baby comes. Pick up a few things at garage sales and consider investing in a much-deserved "Big Bro" gift like a bike or baby doll.
This stash of household items will alleviate stress and unwanted trips to the store with a newborn.
While it may seem like a big cash outlay all at once, If you start stockpiling during pregnancy, you have time to wait for sales and find coupons and and save money while you are at it.
Here's the copy/paste quicklist:
Freezer meals, sharpie marker, plastic containers
Snacks, drinks
Cheese, hummus, yogurt, kefir,
Bolthouse drinks, coconut water, yummy drinks and water in case packs
Nut mix, dried fruit, granola,
Tortilla chips, crackers, protein, nut or granola bars,
Chocolate bars, tea, decaf coffee
Smoothie mixes, dried seaweed
Wine, beer
Toilet paper, paper towels, tissues and wipes
Soap, shampoo, conditioner and razors
Toothbrushes, floss, toothpaste
Paper plates, cups, napkins, foil pans and ziplock bags
Garbage bags, kitchen bags
Laundry detergent, dish detergent, dish soap, sponges
Stain remover
Sibling Bling
]]>Babies are programmed to seek comfort at mother's breast. Her chest is the perfect habitat for a newborn baby who can hear her heart beat, feel her breath, smell her scent and feel the security and protection of her arms. Food and shelter are all in this place and babies instantly relax and calm, when placed on their parent's chest.
]]>There are safe ways to carry a baby in a sling from birth up. Use the following guidelines to safely carry any baby or child in a ring sling, or any carrier, for that matter.
1. Baby's belly is towards the adult: "Tummy to Mummy"
2. Baby is in the "frog" or "M" position, with their butt lower than their knees.
3. Baby's head is close enough to kiss
4. Baby's face is visible at all times.
When you wear your baby in a sling, you can walk anywhere freely without worrying about navigating steps, crowds or narrow aisles with a stroller. Baby wearing can help block out excess stimuli and protect an overstimulated baby; It allows for discreet nursing in public places; It goes on with just a flip of the wrist, and it comes off just as easily when you are ready. Rings slings are free of straps and buckles making them simple and durable. Ring slings can also double as a changing pad, a blanket, and a cushion when you are away from home.
Babies are programmed to seek comfort at mother's breast. Her chest is the perfect habitat for a newborn baby who can hear her heart beat, feel her breath, smell her scent and feel the security and protection of her arms. Food and shelter are all in this place and babies instantly relax and calm, when placed on their parent's chest.
This tummy-to-mummy position is ideal for keeping baby's spine in a forward curve until they start to develop their back arching and arm reaching of the Landau Reflex. It is the ideal position for keeping a baby's airway open. It is an ideal place for baby's to be supervised and rapidly attended to when they communicate their need for food, dry clothing, warmth or cooling, or simply asking for loving attention and comfort.
This baby on chest position is ideal for a parent to relax and feel confident that their baby is doing well. All it takes is a quick peak at their sleeping baby's face to soothe a parent's worry.
A baby sling keeps baby and parent close while keeping a parent's hands and arms free for chores, reading, or tending to older siblings. A baby sling is the perfect way for a mom to slip out of the house for a breath of air, or a quick walk, while her baby sleeps. Babywearing can even lengthen baby's naps since they feel secure and comfy, knowing mom is right there.
According the the Consumer Products Safety Commission, in the past 18 years, only 14 babies have died in slings. While they don't give details on the deaths, we know from all the many parent education sources that there are several ways that parents misunderstand the limitations of a newborn.
The first is that babies, and especially newborns, are not fully developed. They need appropriate head and neck support. If their head is not supported adequately, it can fall forward as they sleep and compress their airway. This can happen in any carrier, carseat, stroller, bouncy seat and recliner that babies are placed in. So, when we wear a baby in a sling, we place them high up on our chest, on the bony area above the breast, where there is plenty of support for their body, neck and head.
The second is the risk of suffocation by something that is covering their face. This is the main reason why babies ought to be sleeping on their backs. If the sling is worn too loosely and the baby slips down, off their parent's chest into the sling, the sling can trap the baby against their parent's clothing, or other soft areas of their body.
A third risk might also be strangulation. We know that babies should never be covered with a loose blanket. If the baby is left unattended in the sling, it presents the same problems as using a blanket. Baby can become entangled in the sling and either be hurt, or suffocate.
And interestingly, of the 14 deaths studied by the CPSC, 3 of the babies died in on kind of sling, the Infantino Sling Rider, which was recalled in 2010. Over 1 million slings from this company were taken off the market. This sling style is a "bag sling" and it is different from a "ring sling".
This is a picture of the Infantino Sling Rider which was recalled.
You can see that it is very different from a ring sling. The problem with bag slings is that babies can easily move into unsafe positions, like these shown in the diagram.
This diagram from the Consumer Products Safety Commission shows how a sling can be unsafe for an infant. If a sling is not worn correctly, babies can slide into positions where their face is covered, or their airway collapses. They can also move in positions where the adult can't easily check on them, see their face, and feel them breathing.
The following video shows how to safely wear a baby in a Mobywrap sling from birth up.
]]>
But, you're confused by popular feeding advice.
"Give them iron-fortified rice cereal." suggest many grandparents and pediatricians. Your friend Hannah's baby loves her homemade purees. Auntie Dani dropped off a bag of jarred and squeeze pouches of commercial "baby food." And, all over the internet, you keep stumbling over "baby-led weaning."
Rice cereal, the headless dinosaur is still thrashing its deadly tail of malnutrition.
The call to feed your baby rice cereal, as the magic bullet to fill them up and make them sleep better, is brought to you by the same people, who complain that Chinese food doesn't fill you up because... "It's all rice."
Same food.
Polished white rice is not filling, it's not nutritious and it's not a good first baby food. On the other hand, whole grain brown rice is an acceptable first food.
Your BFF Hannah's Homemade Purees
Gotta love Hannah and her insatiable drive to nurture and nourish. Homemade purees are generally nutritious, and nutrient dense. They meet the need for baby food, in as a natural state, as possible. And they can make up a part of your baby's first foods. But by 6 months, babies need texture. Purees are made for 2-6 month old formula-fed babies who have maxed out their daily formula intake.
Auntie Dani means well. She sure does.
Baby food is EXPENSIVE on a pound-for-pound basis. And her contribution to your budget is well-meaning and generous. And convenient. Toss those packs in your diaper bag, and watch your baby happily chow down on them, each time you to forget the "real lunch" you packed for your baby... and left on the counter.
Which brings us to baby-led weaning.
Baby-led weaning (BLW) is a confusing phrase in the US. "Baby-led" is clear enough, but 'weaning' is confusing, when used in this context. Americans generally use weaning to mean ENDING breast or bottle feeding. In baby-led weaning, weaning is used with the original meaning, of ADDING FOOD, to a baby's milk diet.
Baby-led weaning means that babies start eating solid foods by picking up food and feeding themselves. They learn how to eat by watching, taste, texture, trial and error.
Real babies need real food.
In whatever form you decide to start, use nutrient dense "real food" - meat, vegetables, fruit & whole grains. Feed your baby foods in as close to their natural state as possible. Food on the table should mostly look like the original plant or animal meat.
Apple sauce, avocado, banana, cooked beans, blueberries, broccoli, hamburger, diced chicken, mashed or shredded carrots, chopped mango, french cut green beans, oatmeal, brown rice, quinoa, sweet potato and diced pears are all common first foods!
Some people use whole grain oatmeal as a base food and add fruits and vegetables to that. Some people start with all veggies, followed by fruits, in the hopes that their baby won't develop a preference for sweet foods. While there seems to be some merit to this theory, a broad diet using all the flavors is much more interesting than a "mono" diet.
Your baby's diet needs yoga!
Ayurvedic (from India) cooking classifies salty, bitter, sour, astringent, sweet and pungent as "the six tastes." Work to include a little bit of each taste, in every meal and your baby's senses will be satisfied. Everyone has preferences, including your baby, and introducing a variety of tastes helps to balance strong preference. Ayurveda also recommends a mix of wet and dry, cold and warm, light and heavy foods.
Introduce a variety of textures and tastes. Puree was developed and marketed in a time when formula-fed babies started foods at a younger age and needed drinkable food. At 6 months, babies can start with semi-soft, chunky, wet and dry foods. Watch when your baby eats- stay nearby- they will gag and cough! As long as they are coughing, they are OK. They will figure it out and learn to eat without gagging.
By the middle of the first year, most babies are very interested in chewing and biting. Biting and gumming food strengthens their jaw and flattens their palate, which helps to make enough room for teeth. Different textures keep meals interesting.
Boxed and canned food is less nutritious and more expensive.
Most boxed and canned food has lost its nutrition in an effort to keep it shelf stable. In addition, it is exposed to plastics which are absorbed into the food. These plastics are often known endocrine disrupters. We know these are bad, but we don't know how bad, yet.
Corn is $1 a bag in the frozen food section and $4 a bag as tortilla chips. Boxed cereal costs $5-10 per pound and contains sugar, and whole grains are $1-5 per pound and have complex carbohydrates.
What NOT to eat is important.
You can feed any food except honey, and foods you or other family members, are allergic to. Raw honey may have botulism spores which is harmless to children and adults, but babies have a weaker immune system and are vulnerable to botulism poisoning. Curiously, this also include the popular Honey Nut Cheerios, which are not processed at high enough heat to kill botulism.
Artificial food colors and nitrates in processed meat aren't good for babies, either.
While you are breastfeeding, there is no need for dairy foods in the forms of yogurt, cheese, or liquid milk. Cow's milk nutrients are mostly the same, but in different proportions. Your milk is the perfect balance of protein, fat and sugar for a human baby or toddler.
On a related note, grain and nut milks are not that nutritious, and are highly processed. Give your child the nut or grain instead, and a glass of water.
When to mix it up?
Feed one food for 3 to 4 days, then add a new food. If there are any allergies, then you know which food is causing it. Food reactions can take many forms. It might be sleeplessness or irritability. Rashes are common and may look like flushed red cheeks, a bulls-eye around the anus, chapping around the mouth, or a pimply sandpaper rash that covers large areas of skin. Diarrhea, vomiting, and constipation are also common signs of a sensitivity or allergy.
During the first few months, focus on offering foods and helping your baby to experiment with new sensations and tastes. While some babies dive right in, others take their time. Continue breastfeeding about the same amount you always have and offer food as an add-on. Your baby will naturally imitate you and eat more food as they gain skill and knowledge.
]]>I have been thinking a lot about trusting my instincts as a mother.
Sometimes that is easier said than done, especially when someone in an authority position (a doctor, a teacher, a specialist,) or someone whose approval I seek (my mother, my partner, my friend,) is telling me that something I am doing, is wrong.
It can be enormously frustrating and it recently happened to me.
]]>I have been thinking a lot about trusting my instincts as a mother.
Sometimes that is easier said than done, especially when someone in an authority position (a doctor, a teacher, a specialist,) or someone whose approval I seek (my mother, my partner, my friend,) is telling me that something I am doing, is wrong.
It can be enormously frustrating and it recently happened to me.
I always just knew I would breastfeed.
In fact, I dreamed about breastfeeding a baby, years before I actually had Ember. I was surrounded by breastfeeders all of my life - My mom nursed my three brothers and me into toddlerhood; my mother-in-law nursed her children until they were toddlers; my sister-in-law nursed her children past the age of one; and the baby I nannied, nursed until she was 3.
I had so much support. Right down to my mother-in-law buying me a table to put by my rocking chair, so I had a place to set water and a book to read while I nursed!
I have been lucky enough to not have my choice about how I feed my daughter questioned until Ember was one. Just recently, a doctor told me I should wean her, and that it is not normal to nurse a one year old during the night.
I didn’t even know what to say!
Why do I always think of what to say after the fact? I wish I would have said, “I have never aspired to be normal!” or “What’s so great about being normal?”
Or, maybe I could have explained why it works so well for us! Nursing at night just works better than listening to Ember cry while my husband and I lay awake, all three of us in distress, nobody sleeping – instead, I can nurse her, and we all have more sleep and more peace (most nights).
I could have said, “But my baby is growing up so fast! I only get to nurse her for such a short time! I don’t want to stop yet!” Or I could have explained the nutritional benefits of nursing into toddlerhood. Instead, I worried that maybe the doctor was right. I listened to her and left her office worried.
I called Donna at New Baby New Paltz.
Because I knew she had years of experience as a La Leche League Leader and lactation consultant, I asked, “Donna, am I a freak? Are there any other moms out there nursing their one-year-olds at night?” Donna reassured me that there were and we continued talking. By the time I hung up the phone, I felt better and I began the process of thinking through my choices.
After several days, I had regained my confidence and even more – I felt angry at the doctor for advising me on an issue I didn’t ask for advice about – something deeply personal. I have realized a positive benefit though – it forced me to consciously evaluate my beliefs and practices and affirm my choices.
I can still feel angry at the doctor, even though his question ended up making me feel really feel confident.
I can also feel especially grateful for the support I have in my life. The experience strengthened my conviction that I need to trust my instincts. Ember is my unique daughter, living in my unique family, and we know (most of the time) what works best for us.
What is something someone said to you that caused you to doubt yourself? Share your thoughts in our Facebook group.
]]>When having a meltdown, your child is totally overwhelmed and needs support. Unfortunately, few parents received support for their strong feelings as children or learned even basic skills for working through a tantrum.
]]>When having a meltdown, your child is totally overwhelmed and needs support. Unfortunately, few parents received support for their strong feelings as children, or learned even basic skills for working through a tantrum. And, as we have seen this past week, even the President of the United States can have a temper tantrum.
So, you are not alone in your feelings of overwhelm when your child pitches a fit!
The opportunity during a tantrum is to develop an understanding of what your child is experiencing. Children have their own perspective on any event. Your job as a parent, is to help them learn to cope with the crushing frustration and disappointment inherent in life.
The life cycle of a tantrum.
A tantrum starts with a child trying to say, hear, receive, give, or do a certain thing. If they are unable to complete the action, they may get frustrated and start to show signs of distress.
When you are paying attention to your child, you will pick up on these early cues and help your child successfully complete the action. If you miss these early cues, your child will amplify their frustration into crying, yelling, hitting and other obvious demonstrations.
This should be seen as an attempt to get help, rather than labeling your child as "a brat!"
How tantrums are averted at differing stages.
In an infant, a mother notices her baby squirming and fussing and nurses them. A tantrum is averted.
A toddler sees a staircase that is just waiting to be explored. But, they can’t quite negotiate the stairs and start to get frustrated. Their dad stands behind them and directs their feet and hands until the child is climbing safely.
In school age children, an older brother teases his younger sister. She can’t keep up with his language skills, so she starts to yell. Their mother steps in between them and affirms that the sister is furious, because she is being teased. She holds a safe space between the children, and waits until everyone is calm.
When the sister is calmed, she deals with the brother’s inappropriate behavior with empathy, discussion, and enforced consequential actions.
What if the pre-tantrum cues are missed?
When you miss the early signs, you can still resolve a tantrum with love and support. It can be challenging to negotiate the strong feelings that come up in all parties during a tantrum. Tantrums can trigger your un-met childhood needs and can result in you acting like your children. When you are aware of this phenomenon, you can step back, center yourself, and when you are calm, resume your appropriate adult role.
Step by step, here are some things you can try:
1. Stay calm, detached, and nearby--offering support as needed, as well as appropriate physical protection from sharp edges, siblings, traffic, and other nearby hazards. You may have to physically restrain, or remove, the child from an area to prevent them from hurting themself and others.
2. If you find yourself getting upset, it is better to make sure your child is safe, leave the room and calm down. If this is not possible, you should stop talking and breathe deeply. If this is not possible, you should forgive yourself and try to better during the next tantrum. You will handle tantrums better with each attempt.
3. Reassure your child that you really want to understand what is wrong. Help them to calm down. Only when your child is reasonably calm should you continue. If they get upset again, return to calming techniques.
When they are calm, ask your child what happened, and listen carefully.
4. Listen for the facts of the situation--and listen for their feelings--the emotion.
Something happened, but what? If your child can't verbalize it, make one suggestion and watch their body language for a cue that you are on the right track. It may help for you to imagine yourself in your child’s place.
5. Once you have identified the triggering situation behind their strong feelings, you can help your child to understand it. Common triggers are an inability to do a task, or the loss of a favorite possession. Other triggers are your child's fears, perceived unfair punishment, and fear of separation from you. Aggravating factors can be overwhelm, exhaustion, hunger, and loud public spaces.
Tantrums are a request for intervention.
6. Once it seems like you have figured out what caused the tantrum, you can help your child to say, hear, receive, give or do what they were unable to do pre-tantrum. If that isn't possible, then help them work through their disappointment at not being able to say, hear, give, receive, or do it.
Babies and children have the same feelings as adults.
They want things they can't have and they suffer disappointment. They are put in situations where they are scared and can't leave. Life is not perfect. Some things in life are necessary and painful. It is your job as a parent to put that suffering into a context your child can understand.
Parents can teach their children to express a negative feeling before it turns into negative behavior.
It is important for children to learn that all feelings are appropriate but negative behaviors are not. Hitting, biting and scratching are never acceptable and the limit must be set firmly by parents, caregivers and teachers. While some kids take a lot longer to learn how to do this, they learn because the adults in their life remind them and model this behavior.
All eyes are on the parents, always.
When a parent models great behavior, it is their opportunity to shine as a human being. Your child will learn how to behave like a better human being because children watch you like a hawk, mimicking your every action.
A conscientious parent will attend first to their own actions and words when they witnesse their child doing something inappropriate. Their calmness will automatically help their child to behave appropriately without punishment or bad feelings.
Originally published in “Blender” La Leche League of New York Newsletter
]]>Originally published in 2014, updated in 2020
The warmth of the last several weeks has me feeling hopeful that the relentless cold and darkness of the coming months will not happen after all! The longer nights, shorter days, chill, and dampness depress me, and I find it hard to be happy, and even more, difficult to accomplish my daily tasks.
And worse, every sniffle or hint of a scratchy throat sends a frisson of terror through my heart.
Because pandemic be damned, it's also the season of runny noses!
As we are slowly drawn into winter, cold and flu-like illnesses abound. When my children, parents or partner gets sick, I may manage to avoid the worst, but these illnesses drain me.
As terrible as I feel, there is also a little one who feels just as bad, but doesn't have the perspective that comes with adulthood. And each time my kids are sick, I ask myself why they have to suffer so much. Over time, I have become numbed to it, but honestly, it still pains me.
Tending to a sick child brings up a whole array of emotions in me.
I can feel empathy and confidence as I nurse or cuddle, refill their mug with hot chamomile tea, and serve cold applesauce to soothe their sore throat. I can feel helpless and doubt my judgement: Is this 'only' a miserable ear infection? Or... is there also an infection brewing in their mastoid bones?
And, the worst is when I am worn out, angered with the situation, the incessant gloomy days, my mom calling to say she can't help out after all, my husband letting me know he's having to work late, and all three kids uncomfortable in every way imaginable and whining, because that is the only way they can communicate what they are going through.
And in these moments, I just want to scream, or cry, or get in the car and keep driving.
And even after all these years, and with all my experience, I still feel guilty and anxious when I feel this way. Even though, mentally, I know it's a very human and an absolutely normal way to respond in a very stressful situation.
I can clearly remember the first fever I ever experienced in my baby.
My firstborn was 4 months old and one evening, he felt hot! I checked his clothing but he didn't seem to be overdressed. I felt him again and then took his temperature. It was moderate - 100 or so - but fear welled up. He was flushed and he had been inconsolable all day. I had stayed home from work and we had slept in my bed nursing all day, into the evening.
Now it was after 10 pm. I was worried. And I did not know what to do!
I called the pediatrician and got his answering service. Our doctor called back, asked a few questions, and then reassured me. He said it might be teething or a virus. He recommended that I check his temperature through the night and if it went higher, I could give Tylenol. He said that I could call back if anything else developed. This brought a sense of relief! My son did not get worse and I don't actually remember how long he was sick that first time!
I remembered this phone call each time I felt a fever come over my children.
By the 10th fever or so, I felt empowered and relaxed, and by the 20th, we had a new pediatrician who believed in the healing power of fevers. I called once when my son had a fever of 104 degrees. He said, "Oh -- that's a good fever! Is your son drinking and urinating? When he wakes up, does he know where he is, and who you are?"
I answered yes to all and he said to keep going and call back if my son was not doing any of those things. Of all the things my pediatrician has said, this has become the foundation of my nurturing.
Then my son had a string of ear infections that seemed to never end.
Our pediatrician had a medication for everything and in addition to those, we added garlic oil, sliced onions over the ear, cranial sacral therapy, warm hats, a dairy-free diet, hot baths, ear drops, and any number of other home remedies.
I felt very vulnerable and questioned my instincts as a parent because he was still sick on a regular basis. The sleepless nights and hours of laying awake, listening to his congested breathing and whimpering, left me totally frazzled and filled with self doubt.
What else could I do?
Because I have seen my kids weather many a cold and come out on the other side as healthy and happy as one could want, I tried to take a longer view. I pursued educating myself on ear infections and found another doctor, an Anthroposophical MD who would help to strengthen his constitution with herbal and homeopathic remedies.
I calmed myself knowing that in time, the ear infections would pass.
He was sick now, but he would get better. He was in pain, but nursing gave him immunities and physical comfort. Holding him and caressing his head helped him relax and ease into the deep, healing sleep that he needed. Staying near him kept him calm and feeling stronger, without any worry that I would abandon him.
And as he recovered, I read endless books and played long games of cars and cards. We watched movies while cuddling and I would pause the show when he dozed off. I slipped away to eat, clean, or use the bathroom until he woke again.
I have grown as a mother through my kid's illnesses.
I now feel better equipped to deal with them being sick, but it doesn’t make the emotional aspect of dealing with them any easier. Every time they are sick, I feel a knot in my stomach knowing my kids are in pain!
I have also learned something very important about nurturing a sick child. You cannot take away the illness, but you can offer your child your presence and loving, tender comfort, and that eases their suffering.
The nurturing heart and touch of a mother holds its own healing!
When your child wakes in a feverish fit and you are near to wipe the hair from their face; when you offer your shirt to wipe their runny nose on; when you spoon-feed them tea infused with your prayers; when you hold them in your loving arms for security and comfort; you are helping your child to heal!
The next time you find yourself facing a long stretch of runny noses or hacking coughs, remember that by providing simple mothering, tender love, caresses and care, you are providing healing for your child!
And, in this season of darkening days, I can also look to some bright spots.
Halloween is coming with its promise of conquering ghosts, goblins and demons! The candlelit pumpkins and sweets of the season abound, even if Trick-or-Treating is on hold because of the pandemic.
Thanksgiving is soon after, with traditional comfort foods, even if it will be celebrated via Zoom this year.
A couple of December birthdays, Hanukkah and Christmas mark the shift of the season. The longest night will pass and even though the days are cold and usually snowy, the sunlight returns with its promise of warmth and abundance.
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1.What are the qualifications of the Lactation Consultant?
2. What do you need help with?
3. Do you have health insurance or low-income qualifications?
Because "Lactation Consultant" is not a professional license recognized by the New York State Board of Regents, there is no Lactation Consultant license in New York (or most states,) means that anyone can say they are a Lactation Consultant. Most Lactation Consultants get a certificate from an organization showing their level of training, but there is no requirement that they do so.
So, it's a good idea to interview several Lactation Consultants before you select one.
These questions can help you know which one can help you best.
International Board Certified Lactation Consultants (IBCLC) are the highest level of Lactation Consultants.
In order to be certified, IBCLCs must pass certain college level classes, use a mentor who supervises their clinical training and pass a rigorous test. In addition, they must re-certify every 5 years and take 15 hours of continuing education in breastfeeding every year.
Among IBCLCs there are specialties and wide differences in experience. IBCLCs who work in the hospital tend to work more with beginning breastfeeding, the first few weeks and breastfeeding premature babies. IBCLCs in private practice generally see the full range of breastfeeding experience from birth to weaning. In addition, they are free from corporate politics and policy.
Services by IBCLCs are covered by insurance companies both in and out of network. Coverage varies. Some IBCLCs are in network and you pay only a deductible.
Most private practice IBCLCs are not in network. You pay out of pocket and be reimbursed. Most accept credit cards. Some offer sliding scale or payment plans. You can expect to pay IBCLCs from $0 in a hospital to $300+.
Certified Breastfeeding Counselors (CBC) are RNs who take a 45 hour course and pass the CBC certifying test.
You can expect CBCs to charge from $0 at the hospital to $300+ for a home visit. Services of CBC/RNs are covered by insurance companies both in and out of network. Coverage varies. Some are in network and you pay only a deductible.
Certified Breastfeeding Specialist (CBS), and Certified Lactation Counselors (CLC).
These certificates are awarded after 45 hours of classroom education. Neither of these certifications requires any supervised training or personal experience before the Lactation Consultant receives their certificate.
There is a wide range of experience and knowledge in these designations, from those who take only the 45 hours of classroom education, to RNs and MDs who earn the certificate to better understand breastfeeding.
You could expect a consult to cost between $0 for CLCs working in a hospital or medical office, those just starting in private practice, up to $75 for a one-on-one appointment.
WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor:
WIC PCs receive supervised training through WIC. There is a wide range of experience and knowledge in Peer Counselors, from those who have taken 20 hours of classroom education to those who have worked for WIC for decades.
The services of WIC PCs are free if you receive WIC. In addition, some WIC offices have CLCs and IBCLCs on staff who are able to see you for a one-on-one appointment.
La Leche League Leaders.
Technically, a LLL Leader is not a Lactation Consultant, but a highly educated volunteer who has breastfed at least one baby, gone through extensive training and mentorship and agrees to LLL's Ten Concepts of breastfeeding and parenting.
Breastfeeding help received through La Leche League Leaders is free. Yearly membership is encouraged but not mandatory. La Leche League Leaders help women either over the phone or in monthly group meetings that are held all over the world. They are allowed to make home visits, but not obligated.
Which is the right one to make an appointment with?
All Lactation Counselors and Specialists can help you with this:
All Lactation Consultants will observe you and your baby breastfeeding and write out a care plan that focuses on your problems and solutions.
An IBCLC is a health professional who, in addition to the basics above, will take a thorough medical history and discuss things that have an effect on breastfeeding. They work with your doctor or midwife if you need blood tests or other medical procedures that impact breastfeeding or milk production.
If you have one of these situations, an IBCLC will probably be more helpful:
In these situations, an IBCLC in private practice is more likely to be of help:
With this information, where can you find a Lactation Consultant?
Most hospitals, WIC offices, and some pediatrician's offices and breastfeeding groups have Lactation Consultants on staff.
There are many Lactation Consultants in private practice. You can find a geographical listing here: http://www.findalactationconsultant.org
Ask your friends or your doctor for a referral. You can also search online using search terms like "lactation consultant" along with the name of your town or nearby city.
When you are researching, it may seem that using a free or low cost Lactation Consultant is the best way to start.
Another way of thinking is that if you never breastfed before, an excellent Lactation Consultant will shorten your learning curve and prevent problems that will cost you even more money. This is why it's important to talk to several before you make your decision. Remember that the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and overcome your current challenges.
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You came to me as a small fish: frantic, untiring, unceasing
Swimming upstream to the place of your birth
Your only need, to reach the headwaters.
At that moment, I knew and surrendered
And a spring deep inside me sprang.
And I held you.
You asked me to fill a pond and I did.
In time, your incessant demands pushed forth a tiny stream.
Droplets skittering over my being, your essence seeping into my dust
Each day a new gush, another groove, cut and deepened
And still you spurted forth,
Carving me in ways I didn’t expect
You dribbled and babbled and always, I held you,
New shoots sprang up in your presence, needing tender care
The spring thaw always eroded.
Unearthing pebbles, then rocks
Carrying them, bump. bump.
While you gurgled and rushed, seeking the path of least resistance.
Gaining momentum, deepening, broadening
Overrunning your banks, flooding me
Gouging me, eroding my boundaries
Always shaping and cutting your own path.
Always following the path of least resistance
In your retreat, detritus and silt to be cleaned or absorbed
An aerial reveals switchbacks and impossible twists
That make no sense
Until you are walking the banks, walking the lay of the land.
An eddy formed, a deep swirling in my unceasing efforts to hold you.
I admired how the sun cracked into a million diamonds on your skin
You fell silent, biding your time, building strength, seeking an outlet
With a thundering roar as you exploded over the edge,
A thing of unimaginable beauty
My heart stopped as you went over
That unstoppable, terrifying, endless plummet
Only to land in another eddy, and me grasping, to hold you
Yet forward you moved, dragging rocks, trees, pieces of my heart
Your power fluid, spellbinding
I was awestruck, lovestruck…watching you go in your churning
You embraced, then sidestepped boulders
One day, I held you one last time and then, you were gone
The swells of the ocean pulled you in and you swam away.
I watched for awhile, sad and happy, adding my tears to the confluence
Grateful for the spring that still nourishes my heart
]]>Your baby, of course.
Your partner, of course. Your friends... Of course!
How about you?
Do you love yourself?
Most of us do, but probably not all the time.
Maybe not even most of the time. Having a baby can exacerbate this lack of self love. Somehow, that little being brings out your worst: your impatience, your sadness, your anger, your low self esteem, your GUILT!
You fall into the comparison trap.
You see other mothers at their best. You watch TV shows and movies with "Mom Impersonators". Screen writers condemn and make fun of your very worst moments while highlighting the Instagram Moments. You start to think "That's how life really is".
You start to think there is something wrong with you.
Like when your baby cries and you can't soothe him? You start to think you have no milk, because your baby fusses at your breast, or because your breasts are small. You get anxious when your partner is due home, because you are still in your pajamas, breakfast is still uneaten on the table, and dinner is some sort of dim oasis, far on the horizon.
On days like this, you just want your mommy.
Not just any mommy... but June Cleaver, Mother Theresa and Aunt Jemima rolled into one. Someone who will Take Over, GET ALL THOSE THINGS DONE, and hold you while you cry.
Honey... I got news for you.
She's not coming. She doesn't exist and never has. If she ever did exist, she had staff doing her house work and probably drank to smooth the sharp edges of motherhood out of her mind.
So what is possible when you are miserable?
A dose of acceptance. A little, or a lot of, "letting go." Making some new friends who understand where you are at, and how it is with a new baby. Some taking care of your needs and putting yourself first, at least some times.
Most importantly, you have to ask for help.
People want to help you. They really do. See all those gifts, cards, emails, likes, phone messages, and texts? That is because they want to help. They want you to feel proud of yourself, because they are proud of you. They want you to feel good about being a mother.
Your job is to get over this mistaken belief that you have to do it all yourself.
It's not easy. Help doesn't always come in the right sizes, shapes and colors. Sometimes it comes with strings attached. Or guilt. Sometimes it's like a bag of hand-me-downs. You have to sort through it and take what works for you.
Sometimes, you have to be REAL specific about what you want
....with your mother...who didn't raise you, the way you are raising your baby. It's part of growing up and you can learn how to do it. She may grumble, or criticize (Painful!) but stick to what you want and she'll come around. Probably.
It really does take a village to raise a child.
And here we all are, in our little nuclear families with the two jobs, the big house and the big lawn and so much work to do on top of raising a baby. Something's got to give, and the easiest thing to go is your pride. Not your pride in yourself. That's important, but your pride in denying yourself a community that loves and supports you and your little family. Start small, say yes when people offer, and watch that community grow!
"Look what we made, Baby! We made a community... and they LOVE us!"
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