Mothering
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Apr 06 2020
Stoic, unflinching--rifle-in-hand--warding off bears and wildcats.
Remember Ma from Little House on the Prairie? Can you think of anyone more idealized? She had tons of patience, home-making skills, doctor, childbirth and child raising skills. She took care of cows and chickens, and fed her family. She quilted and made clothes for her family. She prayed and sang and taught her children. She was good at almost everything. But there was one thing she wasn't good at.
Ma wasn't good at was making friends.
Because she was a Pioneer Woman, wedded young to a man she barely knew, with 3 children before you could say Kindergarten. Ma and Pa set off with small children in a covered wagon walking across miles of prairie. She was the wife of an ambitious man who wanted land, and lots of it. And she didn't make friends mostly because there weren't any to be made.
We don't really know how Ma felt about things.
Her idealized story was told by her adult daughter many years later. Could she have been lonely? Of course she was! Loneliness is a common human experience. Could she have regretted her decisions? Most likely. Most people do. Was she ever a little 'postpartum?' Could be!
She had a stong religious faith and in the years they were near a church, it was an integral part of her life. Faith is an essential piece of a heathy life.
But her life was hard, especially by our modern day measure and mostly, she faced it alone because she had no choice.
When we are going hours or days without being able to share your feelings or talk to another adult, we can feel a little postpartum and blue. We can feel overwhelmed by listening, problem solving and entertaining babies and children all day.
And, sometimes...you are exhausted and something in you snaps!
You may find yourself in tears in a full blown pity party because it's the umpteenth week of sick. Or yelling at your baby or child because they won't stop whining or crying. And, you feel ashamed. And, you don't know what to do about it or how to stop yelling at your poor child. And you don't know how to stop feeling so sad and overwhelmed.
If we remember Ma, and all the other prairie women, so patient and stoic...
then we feel worse because obviously something in us is flawed and awful because a sick and whiny child is not locusts or bears or masked marauders. It's just a whiny child.
Ma didn't have a choice, but you do.
Being in a funk doesn't necessarily mean therapy or medication, although that can be helpful.
What you probably need most of all is some friends. Someone who has a child just your child's age who is going through what you are going through. A kind person who can listen nodding her head, offering support and empathy. Before kids, you may have been content with casual acquaintances and your partner. You also had time to drink deeply from your creative well with your work, hobbies and other enjoyable things.
Now that kids are your work, your hobby and your everything you may feel like you are in a deep funk. A lot of it is because you don't have any friends. When we feel connected, we don't feel lonely. Friendship makes any challenge easier and more enjoyable.
That's easy for you so say but...It's not so easy to find a friend!
I've been hosting social circles for two decades. It's the truth--mothering in the suburbs can feel like you are in the middle of a a prairie in Nebraska. But we aren't in the middle of a prairie. Women and children are everywhere and nearly all of them feel lonely. And many feel awkward doing anything about it. But to have a friend who is going through the same things as you is worth a hundred bottles of Zoloft. We all need friendship.
Please take a more relaxed look at friendship.
Start like it's dating - "Let's meet at Café Mama."
Accept awkward - There was this time I went on a blind date play date and the mom answered the door, picked up some food off the floor and popped it into her mouth.
Be flexible - If you and your mama soulmate love each other but your children don't play well, text each other often, but meet at the playground.
Cultivate different kinds of friends - Prenatal yoga pals, baby friends, hike buddies and middle-of-the-night besties. You need all of them.
Be proactive and be a friend - Give out your phone number, and follow or friend request on social media.
Assume good intent - if you get stood up, stay calm. Most likely a diaper blowout, a super-nap or rough night is to blame. Reschedule!
Simplify.
It's my heartfelt wish that no mama be lonely. I've done much of the ground work for you to find friends. A consistent schedule, age and interest matched and lots of publicity. Hundreds of women have come to New Baby New Paltz and made friends at Cafe Mama. Funny thing is that many of them have been modern day "Ma's" here with their ambitious husbands for a year or a career, because somehow moving makes is obvious that you need to make friends.
But the groups only work if we all show up- so lets do this!
Having friends really is that simple.
My love to you and your family. --Donna
Mothering
Sooo Sleepy- 10 Ideas To Help You And Your Baby Right Now
by Donna Bruschi
on Mar 02 2020
Millions of parents have survived babies who don't sleep. You can too.
Babies sleep differently from adults because their brain is growing at a tremendous rate. Sleep happens best when you and your baby are relaxed and comfortable. Here are ten time proven tips for better sleep.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Feb 16 2020
Long ago... in the time of the sabertooth tiger....we used a survival tool called the "fight or flight" response. And we still use it today.
Mothering
You're OK - Be a Better Mom Without Doing Anything!
by Donna Bruschi
on Jan 19 2020
One year old Maya was taking her first steps when she abruptly face-planted, startling herself and bumping her head. Her daddy scooped her up and snuggled her in.
"You're OK! You're OK. You didn't hurt yourself. You are fine. You did it! You walked!"
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Nov 16 2019
“Mom, this card says ‘Don’t worry about Nancy anymore,’” Ember says, as she hands me a sticky note she scribbled on. I wipe away a drifting tear, and take it from her. “Thanks, sweetie. Why shouldn’t I worry anymore?” I want to know what is happening in her mind, partly because I’m feeling guilty.
Mothering
The Myth of Sleeping Through the Night
by Donna Bruschi
on Jul 20 2019
Waking every hour or two to nurse ALL NIGHT LONG. Ugh. Whether you do it for a few days because your baby is teething or have been doing it for months or years, it takes a toll on you and you may wonder if you are doing the right thing.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Jun 29 2019
1
Spray bottles, baby pools, water tables and buckets of water all work for splashing and exploring the cooling and magical qualities of water. Is there an easier pastime than cooling oneself off on a hot day in a local pool, swimming hole, lake, or river? Our area is full of natural places to take a dip, wade and play.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on May 16 2019
I want to give my toddler, Ember, this beautiful gift: to accept her for exactly who she is. It’s a gift I want to give myself too. I realized that too often I waste precious thought-time comparing myself to other moms and then comparing Ember to other babies. It isn’t fair to either of us.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Mar 31 2016
Illuminated Baby: eco-friendly products, progressive child development & community. We closed our storefront on November 1, 2016, merging with New Baby New Paltz
Mothering
New Baby New Paltz Grand Re-Opening 2016
by Donna Bruschi
on Jan 07 2016
What if you could park once and shop at both your local baby boutique and the grocery store? Now you can! Check out the Grand Opening of the newest New Baby/New Paltz, sister shop to New Baby/New World in the Water Street Market in New Paltz. The celebration takes place on Saturday, January 16, 2016 from 1 to 4 p.m.
Mothering
10 Hudson Valley Resources for New Moms
by Donna Bruschi
on Feb 24 2015
10 Hudson Valley Resources for New Moms
February 24, 2015 Published in Hudson Valley Parent
As a new mom, one of the hardest things was feeling connected again. Those first few months my job was on hold and my friends were scarce. While my husband was able to get out of the house alone to go to work each day I was left to care for a new, very needy little person every hour of the day and night. Don’t get me wrong, I adored caring for him and soaking up every moment. I knew these times were fleeting and I wanted to savor them but I wanted more, and still do. I wish back then I knew there were local resources for new moms, free playgroups, and support but I didn’t. So I am helping you out today. Here is your list- If you are feeling trapped, alone or worse know you aren’t alone. There are a number of local groups ready to welcome you and your new baby with open arms and give you the support & information you need. Real stories from Hudson Valley Moms on postpartum depression
1. New Baby, New Paltz offers one on one support, workshops, playgroups, support groups, a great website, products new moms love and a welcoming space. New Paltz, 845-255-0624.
2. Health Quest at Vassar Brothers Medical Center holds weekly support groups, childbirth and parenting classes, breastfeeding support, infant/child CPR and even sibling prep classes. Check the site for a list of classes, costs and more. Poughkeepsie, 877-729-2444.
3. The LaLeche League has chapters in Orange, Ulster, Sullivan, and Dutchess counties, and beyond. Their website offers information, fact sheets and the online Breastfeeding Guide including topics on “my baby won’t latch on,” to “sore nipples.” Proper nutrition, expressing milk, and returning to work are covered. With a click of the mouse, the information is truly at your fingertips.
Read More at Hudson Valley Parent
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Jul 28 2014
This week I find myself with a bit of writer’s block… My mind is scattered after being out of town for a week, the first half of the week spent camping with my little family, the second half of the week grieving the loss of a loved one on my husband side’s of the family.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Jul 20 2014
Memories from the womb… A story of the subconscious by Jasmine Wood
Hello Mamas!
I recently took a trip with Rita and her dad to Ithaca, NY.
This is the place where we lived for the majority of my pregnancy. After reflecting on our experiences there I have some interesting personal insight as to our time spent in the womb and how we carry experience and memories from our prenatal experiences.
Rita was conceived and carried in Ithaca, the land of waterfalls and gorges.
Throughout my pregnancy, I walked along the banks of many of these mesmerizing waterfalls finding comfort and peace in the water’s presence. My mind was quietly lulled into thoughtlessness, a simple pure state of being, by the sacred song of the river ever moving toward the sea. When I was seven months pregnant, we moved from Ithaca down to the Hudson Valley, where I grew up.
Like a salmon I followed the river home to give birth.
Rita was born in the same hospital I was, 25 years earlier, and our journey together with her in my arms, instead of in my belly, began! A few weeks ago, our little family took a trip back to Ithaca to visit some of our favorite sights, in particular, our favorite waterfalls.
As soon as Rita saw her first waterfall, her whole being became illuminated!
She literally glowed from within as she shouted “This is my favorite waterfall forever!” I was filled with joy that these sacred spots, that brought her father and me so much pleasure and contentment during our pregnancy, also held this special place for our daughter too!
We brought her back to the waterfalls of her days in the womb.
Something inside her recognized this place! I believe babies' subconscious memories begin to form from the moment of conception and evolve throughout pregnancy and birth. So when children are born, they already have a subconscious memory and internal impression of the world! I truly believe that Rita was soothed as a little fetus in the womb waters by the same external sounds that soothed her mama, the sound of the river and waterfall. Upon revisiting these sights years later, she was able to recapture the same positive emotions felt during her time in the womb!
Peaceful pregnancy, happy childhood, contented adult….
I feel that the first step toward life long well being takes place in the womb. By fostering an environment filled with love and joy and working to reduce stress we can create happy memories with our child that they will then in turn carry with them throughout their lives. My hearts feel full when I see a glowing smiling pregnant mama and I think of the little one within who is also smiling!
May peaceful vibrations radiate from you to your children and back again! Let us change the universe with love, one child at a time!
Till next time, Be Well!
Jasmine
Mothering
How Can I Leave My Baby? A New Mother’s Journey with Separation Anxiety
by Donna Bruschi
on Jul 13 2014
“Would we be able to enjoy ourselves at the concert if our minds were elsewhere thinking about our baby and her well being?” An answer that could not be determined…For 6 months leading up to the concerts, July 4th weekend, I had mini panic attacks filled with separation anxiety at the mere thought of leaving little Rita.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on Jun 09 2014
Once upon a summer afternoon, it was the month of June in the happening town of New Paltz, New York…
What to our wondering eyes did appear…?
Naked babies of all colors, shapes and sizes playing happily together in a cool pool of shallow water.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on May 25 2014
This is the time of year you will most likely find my family in one of two places: in the garden, or out by the grill. For me, nothing beats a long weekend morning filled with the work of tending to the garden, followed by a restful afternoon under a shady oak tree, then finally, finishing up the day by grilling our dinner and dining outdoors!
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on May 18 2014
By Jasmine Wood
“Isn’t it funny, how a bear likes honey. Buzz, Buzz, Buzz. I wonder why he does…”
This is one of my favorite lines from my daughter’s bedtime book collection! (Classic Winnie the Pooh) It is one of those story lines that always gets my mind working. It makes me think of the famous philosopher, Rumi’s quote:
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”
Intrinsically, we find ourselves drawn to those things that make us feel fulfilled, just as Pooh finds himself drawn to the honey pot time and time again!
As women, many of us find ourselves silently drawn by the call of motherhood!
Some of us are ready to heed the call: "Procreate now!" Others, take time and are slowly enveloped by our most innate desire to form a family and home. Before, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew deep down inside that I wanted to be a mother. I did not know whether I would enjoy this all encompassing role or not!
This is where Rumi’s silent pull comes from.
It comes from deep down in the core of our being, the call mutes any worries the mind might carry, and leads you mind, body and spirit down the path of motherhood. Perhaps, there are many bumps in the road, or instead it may be smooth sailing from thoughts of conception, to labor and delivery.
The many paths we follow as women to reach motherhood are important!
The importance is in the journey, and not just the destination. The path we follow will stay with us, and guide us throughout the trying times of parenting! I have these moments in mothering where I feel so ancient, as if I can tap into the energy of all my female ancestors before me. Our collective knowledge and life force can be my guide if I allow myself to stay open and fluid.
I must remind myself to be like a tree, strong and grounded, but yet flexible and able to move with the winds of change!
I find the winds of change blow strongly in motherhood; just I have mastered one stage of development, my daughter is moving full force into the next stage and it is time for me to create new strategies toward mothering her.
To say my daughter keeps me on my toes is an understatement!
Our home is not static, but a dynamic force of love and intense cycling emotions. We have strong up’s and low down’s but, we move through these rhythm’s together, listening and learning what we can, every step along the way.
Till Next Time, Be Well!
Jasmine
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on May 11 2014
I wanted to discuss us Mamas! We come in all different shapes, colors and sizes Yet our emotions all follow the flow of the same river, the timeless flow of motherhood. As women, we come equipped in our mother’s womb with all of our living, giving powers.
Mothering
by Donna Bruschi
on May 11 2014
By Donna Bruschi
Today marks my 20th Mother's Day! I can't believe it! Actually, I can believe it. Its been a very full and wonderful 20 years of mothering.
What I really can't believe, is how much I don't like Mother's Day.
Part of it is embedded in my mom's experience. I don't remember a Mother's Day where she didn't end up in tears. Maybe she was unrealistic or naive? She was an only child and we were three!
Another part is that for me EVERY day is Mother's Day. I have spent a lot of time with my children and I still do a lot for them. They are first in my decisions of what to do. I breastfed for years with them. I opted to try for a homebirth for them. I stayed out of work and I went into debt to be home with them.
Most of it has to do with being with a man who criticized and made fun of me and my mothering.
Of all 20 Mother's Day's, not one came with a card from my kid's Father. No card. No breakfast in bed. No flowers. No appreciation. My Mother and Mother-in-Law showed their love on Mother's Day and I am grateful for them.
I am finally free of him.
In hindsight, I don't know what took so long. I compare myself to others who have left the father of their children, others who are starting over in new loving relationships and still others who have only known respect and encouragement from their partners.
Sometimes I cry when I think about what happened or wonder what I could have done differently.
What if I left when my kids were preschoolers? What if I paid the divorce lawyer with my credit card and did take my ex to court for a contested divorce? What if I understood how Family Court works and how much power I did have at that time? But I didn't. I was married "til death do us part." Divorce was unimaginable and with that belief came abuse.
That's where I get stuck.
How would I have known? I work with lots of families in transition now. They use Google and Facebook to find things. That works really well if you know the search terms. I didn't know the search terms. i didn't even know I had a problem. I thought what I was going through was NORMAL. And, abuse is the NORM, for one in four women in our society. But it's not healthy. And, with help, one can choose to not live that way.
What I needed was for someone to see the red flags and volunteer the information that I was in over my head.
For me, that someone was a therapist who listened to what was happening in my life and helped me understand the power and control dynamic and grow stronger. It was a counselor at Family of New Paltz who said, "You know, you can't stay in that relationship and there are people who can help you leave. We can make a plan."
That move changed my life.
It hasn't been easy. I wondered if I was doing the right thing because the less attached you are to your abuser, the harder they fight to keep you close. This is why you need a team of helpers. I had help from Family of New Paltz Domestic Violence counselors, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, New Paltz Police Dept., Maria Duncan, MSW, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my employees, and my friends. My team gave me a vision, encouragement, protection, money, physical help and love. I am truly grateful for all the support.
The biggest difference between who I am now and who I was 20 years ago is that now, I ask for help. Usually. Old habits die hard.
If you are in a relationship that hurts, know that while it is common, it is not healthy. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). You should know that it's not your fault and you deserve to feel safe in your home.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mamas, from my heart to yours!
